Day 86 in Barcelona.
I promised to talk about the other person who i tried to be nice with but eventually let me down. Hes an onlyfans member, an early member. probably the first one who signed up here. I thought he was really sincere and at that time i didnt have many fans here, so when he asked me for my whatsapp, i just gave him.
over the course of these months, he kept sending me countless messages on whatsapp, which is fine. I reply to his messages. And i was grateful that he was such a nice person cuz not only that he cared, he sent me some tips sometimes. But things quickly got out of control. Every day he messaged me more and expected me to reply to his messages more and sooner and more frequent. Also he required to do videocall me and of course i said yes, cuz he just seemed so sincere. So i did it(nothing sexual just normal videocall). So after this first time calling him he got obssessed. Gradually asking me to do more and longer videocalls with him. And he would also aggressively send me money to create a sense of me owing him. I felt powerless. Now ive never asked him to send me tips and every time he sends me money he says he just wants to help me, he want nothing in return.
And frankly, I know how things work in life. Once you take his money you owe him even though he said its a gift. Theres no free lunch. He'd have to want something back. So ive also told him many times to stop sending me money because i know how it works.And mostly I hate being manipulated into kinda like obligatorily chatting with him and do calls with him. I'm always very busy practicing. AND mostly I really don't like the manipulation.
But this is fine. What it got to me the most is that time when i did a live on here, Only fans. After i finished the live i was super upset because i felt like i might have shown too much on here, and i was terrified that somebody ever took any screenshots there. Knowing i was terrified and depressed, he was the first person to come to talk to me and be like, "oh babe im sorry you had to go through this i hope nobody took any screenshots or recorded the whole thing! I feel so sorry for you." I was actually kind of touched.
A month later, after constantly pressuring me to do sexual videochat and guilt tripping me, one day he implied that i was a prostitute on whatsapp. And that REALLY set me off. I blocked him right away. He was angry. He later on came to my instagram and sent me a few screenshots. Screenshots that HE took during the live that i dont want to recall on OF and im sure he recorded the whole thing. Not only that, he THREATENED me, saying he would have me gain the fame i want on ig, meaning he would post all of these screenshots online......
I threanted him back to sue him and he was such a pussy he backed down instantly. To be honest when i saw those screenshots i really felt helpless and depressed and i was in despair. I cant believe somebody that i trusted, gave him my contact to would be so ungrateful and pay me back like that. I barely use whatsapp now.
sigh. People do take it for granted.And the fact that he tried to threaten me just blew my mind. Another example of giving them an inch they take a mile.
Anyways, gotta keep doing music gotta keep working. Cant let these people get to me. Ill be fine. Im awesome! heres a new picture everybody. I hope you like it.
Day 84 in barcelona.
Its almost been three months here now. They say its a thing when it hits 3 months, that you will feel life is stuck again and you'll miss your family very very much. And this is how I feel now. This city is cold. And i feel like im losing my motivation. i want somebody to love. I want somebody to love me. Where is he? I remember the first month i got here, everything was exciting for me!! Nobody knew me!! I was like im so cool look at me im exploring this new continent new country new city!! Who else is doing this but me??!! damnn at this rate im really gonna be a superstar!!! i was so motivated so thrilled, every minute was a blast.
Now, everything goes black again. Life has settled to routines. I dont feel it except for when im practicing music, i feel like a walking dead. And the apartment renting thing, still havent sorted it out. Im living in a hotel now burning money.
And since im busy with apartment hunting i havent had time to hire new photographers to shoot me. So here is another one from the past series. And i need money to hire photographers and pay rents lol 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭Everything needs money...life kinda sucks when you are poor...😅
Day83? not sure
Need to tell you guys 2 stories that have happened to me lately. Both make me see the world clearer, both explain really well the phrase give an inch and they will take a mile.
So before the stories start, id like to say so far I THINK ive been nice to all my fans. And i always try to be as down to earth as possible.
First story, happened two months ago. An instagram fan kept messaging me asking me out. Now I dont have to, but i wanted to be down to earth. And my mom always tells me to be nice to everybody. Of course there are millions of people asking me out on onlyfans. This guy happened to be in the same neighborhood as i am and he sounded SO sincere. So i actually invited him to my open mic night. So we met. Grabbed drinks. But he was not acting cool - hansy, he even SUCKED MY NECK, which i couldnt do anything about but just wish the night would be over soon cuz i didnt want to make things awkward, as much as i regretted so much that i agreed to go out with him. After that night, he couldnt messaging me asking me out again and again. And of course after what had happened that night Id prefer kill myself first than put myself in front of a perverted weird scum of society. But i was nice enough that i came up with different excuses not to go out with him. A month later he got furious at me because i dont have time to go out with him. ( i mean i really dont have time for that im working hard, unlike him, scum of society. and also didnt want to repeat that terrible night) He started accusing me of being a slut, a prostitute, any bad word you can imagien... owning an ONLYFANS page. According to him, I didnt want to go out with him anymore because he didnt subscribe to my onlyfans. It blew my mind. IT NEVER CROSSED MY MIND how can he say stuff to me? I was so wronged. I meant it all good. All i wanted to do was be more downtoearth and maybe from time to time go out with fans and have fun - when i have the time. Yet not only was he not grateful, he moles ted me, but he bad mouthed me when really he was the one acting abnormal. I thought he'd be grateful. I really thought so. But he was not. And he started afterwards posting malicious comments under my instagram posts, and being sarcastic about everything i post on insta. Not that i care, but the day he said something about me being a prostitute it really set me off. I immdiately told him what happened that night was sexual harrassment and dont think i forgot. I will go to the police if you EVER EVER call me a prostitute again. That fucking pussy immediately shut up and blocked me. JUST WOW it surprised me how people can be a DICK and a PUSSY at the same time. Why??????? I really thought he was a good person before i met him he seemed so sincere why do they do that????????????????
Anyways, the second story i will tell you guys tomorrow. I'm tired and i want to practice bass before i sleep. Im running out of time! I need to be more concentrated!!! love you guys happy new year !!
day 80 in Barcelona
I cant believe what kinda New Years Eve I had yesterday.
Morning, i packed everything ready to move out to my new apartment only to find out when im there that the landlord had already rented the place to someone else. So i sat on the street in front of the apartment with all of my stuff, sick, headache, also homeless. I had literally nowhere to go. it was cold on the street....... And I begged and begged the landlord, cuz we shook on it, he just didnt rent the place to me - cuz his former tenant decided to keep staying there. Idk, everything just doesnt make much sense.
Went back to my old apartment to move more things out cuz it was the last day anyway i had to move out everything left. I tried to get a taxi to move for me, no one was willing to. They say it was too much stuff. i had no more time by then and my friend kept yelling at me because she gotta go home. Everything was a mess.
Finally i got settled at a hotel around 1pm. i realized i lost my passport. Although soon i found it afterwards, still scared to shit out of me. Nothing was going my way yesterday.
Super sick, coughed a lot, but i was still looking forward to my night on the 31st. i wanna see how spanish people spend New Years Eve. my friend stood me up then. So i was sick and alone on New Years Eve. Gosh even thinking about how i spent yesterday makes me wanna cry. Yea i cried a lot yesterday. Not because that nothing was right, but just.. I really miss my family. at 17:00 ( 0:00 in China) My lil sister sent me "Happy New Year, my big sister" instantly tears filled my eyes. I really miss my family. I really miss them. I dont like anybody here. I wanna go home. Everybody just wants a piece of me. I wanna go home. i wanna be protected. and protect.
Yea so in the end, I didnt count down. I didnt do the grapes thing. I wasnt happy. didnt cry either. i was at the hotel. I put on the dress that i had planned to wear on New Years Eve going out on dates or partying. I took a shower, I put on the dress, put on my lipstick, combed my hair, quietly sat on the bed and watched TV. then around 3am i fell asleep.
And today January 1st. I just felt so depressed that i slept all day. Ive been thinking, look at me now. Im so pathetic that i dont even feel that energy inside of me like always. I'm FARRR from being where i want to be. i'm sick. i'm homeless. The only person i know in barcelona is somebody im disappointed in. I dont know what im doing. I havent even practiced all of my instruments for almost a week. Becauase of this fucking sickness. I fucking hate it. And cuz of being sick, my exposure on instagram is dropping. Dickheads calling me prostitutes, telling me i havent done enough for them.......... i wanna disappear from the world. Im very stressed. THIS FUCKING WORLD IS DRIVING ME FUCKING CRAZY
day 7?
I really hope this is not covid what I'm having. As this is the last thing my parents want to hear cuz they were so worried especially about covid before I moved to Spain.
Been 4 days lying in bed fever headache sore throat, know I'm finally feeling a lil better. but it's 4 days no music practice nothing.....I feel terrible I feel like wasting a lot of time. I feel bad. mentally and physically. Good thing is I finally found THE place today. it's a cool studio. and I'm happy that I got it. it's super cool. it's just from tmr I'll have to sleep on the floor no blanket for a while because it's still empty and I don't have money to get a mattress before January 5th 😅😅😅
I'm still glad I got the place. and I'm feeling a lilllll better. it's new years eve! I hope every body has a great year ahead! and I hope same goes to myself too😊
day 7? in Barcelona
i can't believe I'm sick again. I had never fainted before I came to Spain in my whole life. Last time I fainted was 2 months ago, at a hospital. hypoglycemia. today I fainted again too, like completely collapsed. Jesus what's going on?! I was visiting an apartment. I was there already then all of a sudden I just felt like I couldn't stand no more. needed to lie down. then I couldn't feel my legs and everything went black and I just, completely fell off.🥺 the landlord was so scared that she almost called an ambulance. I didn't want to create troubles so I just forc ed myself to stand up...and left...
I'm still feeling weak and dizzy right now. when will this be over cuz these days I'm super super busy. I can't just lie at home and do nothing. I hope I feel better soon. And sorry guys if I didn't reply to your messages. I just can't deal with anything now I need sleep. Good night every body I love u all.
Day??? I need to count again.
Merry Christmas everybody. Though for me I'm glad that it's finally over. Seriously nostalgic.
you might ask, what did you do on Christmas? the answer is sleep and practice. nothing else. I miss my fam I miss my fam.
Oh about the apartment. still haven't decided. And the 30th is right around the corner. gotta move out by then but....😐 so stressed.
Guys remember the first few days when I arrived in Spain, the first few posts I was like today I'm happy today I went to jam session today I did this, they praised me today blahblah... compared to the posts recently., I'm all like omg today so tired so stressed.... yea.... 😐😐😐 I hope it gets better.
Merry Christmas everybody I love you guys😊
Day ?
Tired, depressed, stressed, annoyed. I wish life was easier. I feel different these days than the first time I arrive in Barcelona. I was crazy, excited, energetic all the time. Now I'm more calm, not even dressing up, not even wearing lipstick. just wanna quietly peacefully study,practice, go home , sleep. The excitement of being in a new country has faded away. Those novel walls with graffiti that once blew my mind are what I open my door to every morning. I miss home. I miss them a lot a lot.
what if I don't achieve anything this year? and I've sacrificed so much time when I could have been with my family..... I would never forget myself.
I'm stressed. tired. depressed. nostalgic. annoyed.
Day 68 in Barcelona.
Got a lil lazy lately. Moving out soon and I still haven't found the right apartment. The good ones are all expensive af. and its the end of the year now i need to pay tuition soon... And my stupid landlord probably won't give me back my 400 euros deposit........ ufffff it's just.....Money really brings out happiness. I know alot of you probably dont agree with me. But from where I was coming from, money has always been an issue.in Chinese there is a saying that says, Money isn't everything. But without money you can't do anything. And it's just so true.
I need to think of a new way to increase my exposure now. I need to reach out to more people and tell them I am different, I am the future. At the same time, it's hard. but, I got this.
Anyways I love u guys hope u like handbra🤣🤣🤣
Day 65 in Barcelona.
Nothing special for today except that I'm still super upset. I feel like my life is going nowhere again. Every day I practice I practice then what? I need to start creating more music but my landlords will have problems with me making noises...and I gotta be careful with my landlords.... not the type of relationship I wanna spend energy and time on. I need to move out ASAP.
Day 64
First time I'm disliking people from this country - My landlords. They made me cry by accusing me making the bathroom dirty. Its not me though, it's Brazilian guy who shares the apartment with me. And they thought it was me. The woman gave me a mean look last night and then the man came to talk to me today and be like : can we have a talk? You are making us super uncomfortable and we'd like you to leave this apartment as soon as possible. And he named out the things that I did... shitting in the to ilet and not clean it afterwards, leaving the toi let full of shit..... I FELT ABSOLUTELY WRONGED.... l even bursted out crying cuz that was really offensive you know why? Because my roommate is the dirty one. every time I go to the bathroom after he does.. omg he just doesn't flush.... and leaving everything a mess. and every time I try to be respectful and not talk about it just clean it for him and let him be.... didnt wanna make him embarrassed.... now good ...the landlords think it's me who did this.. like EWWWWW DUDEEEEEE EWWWWWW EWWWWW EWWWWWWWWW!!! I couldn't find it more offensive.... I was super sad and wronged after they talked to me about this. All this time when I'm living at their place I'm trying to be as good as possible trying to be as helpful as possible ....and then this guy just ruins everything...... I cried in front of the landlord and my roommate probably heard it too.... I realized there are unreasonable people in Spain too 😔😔😔
anyways. sorry for complaining. just not an extra pleasant day. 🤒
Day 62 in Barcelona.
Been thinking a lot about my career. Wanna get a record deal but where to start ? There are just so many so many talented people out there. what do I do to become the person I want to be? I don't know.
Super cold in Spain now. normally I wouldn't have the courage to get up and go to lessons and stuff cuz it's just too cold. But I still stick to it.
Today I went to hunt for apartment cuz I'm moving. I'm surprised that when I visited the apartment,the landlord hit on me and even touched my lower body part. He wanted to have sex with me he said I made him super hot...but dude.. I'm just here to see the apartment what's wrong with you ...😰
Anyways... People..
Going to practice bass and piano now. Busy busy busy but it's always good to keep on toes.
Teddy bear yay!!!
day 60 in Barcelona
Yea I just went live 30 mins ago. How do I feel? I really don't know. what I did was a whole notch up and I had never done this - show my body thatway on internet and in a way that I feel like I'm one of those girls who make a living by doing porn.Much respect for them to be honest.What I'm saying is just that...hey what am I doing with my Life ?I'm a musician.I practice 10 hours a day for this ? What am I doing showing my body for 30 bucks like is this the kind of life I want ? Is this who I want to end up being? I write songs.I dance. I work fucking hard,not so that I get paid by showing my body part. I know I make you guys happy.But I never want to make people happy in such a way.I want people to be happy listening to my music.......I don't know if I did the right thing.I'm super depressed and conflicted and panicked right now.On the other hand I do need the money.Life is not cheap and way more expensive a life of a musician's. And I'm also super happy that you guys, im making you guys happy even if it's in a way that I never expected... like I'm so glad I get to engage with you all!! you guys have been super nice and sweet and good to me I love you all🥺 I happy that ur happy
And just when I was going live,the notifications popped up and my mon was texting me,sending me my cute videos of my little sister hurrying to school...she wants the best for her and for me. I want the best for my sister too. What my mom doesn't know is her baby daughter who she'd always taught to be a well-behaved educated person, to always respect her body was doing that while she was messaging me asking about my day. She d be disappointed.
I still need sometime to think about whether I did it right or wrong.Also I really hope nobody was taking screenshots or recording the live.Please.
Have a good day guys.I love you thank you for everybody who joined my live today. And ifyou wanna give me advice or anything comment below thank you❤
Day 56
I'm applying for my NIE tmr. My visa is getting expired in less than 30 days. I hope everything goes fine, so that I don't get sent back to China and do my shitty job there with hansy old perverted Chinese men. I'm learning a lot here every day super busy. Met a lot of cool people.
oh also today I went to a Chinese restaurant, gosh I crave Chinese food. I ordered Ramen but it was mediocre and pricey... like the other day I went to another Chinese restaurant, ordered fried rice and cabbage and I spent 18 euros.... like 131 rmb.. and in china I could've ordered 5 times of that.... I love Europe it's such a tranquility. but I also miss home a lot. But I gotta keep fighting. the path to success is always lonely.
Also, guys I'd be appreciated if you leave some comments or a like under my posts. The pictures you like!!!! (not just this post i mean lol) Especially free subscribers, so that I can interact with you guys more 😊
(and send a lil tips would be the best hahahafa)
So on Saturday / Sunday I'll try out going live on here, onlyfans. Stay tuned guys. I'll post an exact time on Instagram when I know when🥰
Should I go more lives on Onlyfans?
Day 50 in Barcelona.
I started my birth control pills 3 weeks ago and it's fuckjng my mood up. I can't concentrate on my study, my music, my diet, my life.... everything's become stressful to me ... I feel like hiting somebody at any moment...So here I am, taking it out on my drums.
Also been thinking a lot about where my career is going. I feel like I'm still being pretty much the same as I came here 50 days ago.the more I think about this the more stressed and depressed I am. With the glacial weather everything is just harder 🥲.
I hate the cold I want summer 🥲🥲🥲
and I'm hungry but I can't eat. And I'm cold but my landlord cut my heater. And tomorrow is the day I pay the rent and I'm gonna be left with no money soon. AND I have my bass class in 2 days but I still haven't practiced enough. AND I've been ble eding cuz my body's adjusting to hormones levels. AND I wasn't engaged today when I talked to my mom and I think she's a lil disappointed. AND I've been lying to my mom about my income sources.....😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 LIFE IS NOT EASY OMG IM FEELING EMONTIONAL AGAIN I WANNA CRY.. STUPID HORMONES STUPID PILLS😭
Day ?? in Barcelona
Life's gone back to being busy again. except that I'm feeling less happy now. I feel like something is missing in my life - creation. I am doing a lot of practice for music yes but where is this going to? I'm not being an artist now I'm just being a hardworking copycat and I'm not that. This is something that's been bugging me, something that demotivates me recently. I miss making music, I miss performing, I want to put my songs out there as I've already written over 100 on my guitar and piano... That's why I've been looking for producers. but so far I got no luck. what to do? Where is my life going? I can't stay like this I've been here for 2 months already!🥲🥲🥲
Ok so these are me ripping off my pantyhose behind the scene and full video. Enjoy. Good night everybody. I still haven't finished my bass practice session. this week's homework s a lot!
Day 46 in Spain
Growing up makes me hate festivals, birthdays and newyear countdowns.
Today I cried. this is about the second time Ive cried after I arrive in Barcelona. I feel incredibly lonely. I miss my family. I miss my parents I miss my sisters I miss my grandparents I miss them so much so much. what am I gonna do on the new year festival? It's gonna be the first time I spend it without being with my family first time in my life - for 22 years... I love my family. I miss them a lot a lot. And Christmas is coming. Everybody is being with their family but me. I wanna spend it with somebody I love too. but, where is he? what am I gonna do? I don't want to be left alone but.... I hate Christmas. I hate it. I hate every festival. I wanna be happy. I'm not happy.
also Spain is fucking cold. I can't stress how much I Hate the cold. I hate the cold. wish it would be over soon. I can't deal with the cold. I am frozen here. And my landlord doesn't give me heater. I pay 500 euros a month and no heater. I cried on the street today. sad and cold. worst combination ever.
Day 5 in Morroco
To be honestly i'm not feeling super happy these two days. Been thinking a lot. I feel like a complete loser. I'm feeling a little depressed again... Idk.... 😔 i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know... what am i doing...........
sorry for all the rant... Didnt mean to bring you guys all these negativities. So how about a video of me taking a bath. Does it make you feel better haha?
Day 4 in Marrakech.
Miss being busy. I guess thats the point of vacations. I miss playing piano playing drums playing bass and guitar... I need to either find a way to practice here or get back asap for my music.
today was fun. Went to the rich part of the city. Colosal disperity between the rich and poor, all i can say. Hope everything is getting better with everybody... I hope in a few years when im back i wont be able to see 8 yearold kids wandering on the streets asking for money anymore.🙏
Day 3 in Morroco!!!
Morroco is a very different place. I like it a lot here. Everybody is very enthusiatic, very welcoming( maybe a little too welcoming), very amiable. I love the food here!! The food street at night is incredible. Lots of food, reminds me of Chinese barbecue stalls...
The only thing though is that they'll force you to pay for something you didnt ask for - it happened to me the first day i got here. This random lady in the squre shouts to me when she saw me, and started asking me a bunch of questions like where im from. And my mom has aways taught me to be respectful to people, dont ignore them - I smiled back and gave her the answers. She immediately dragged my hand to her stall and be like omg i like you so much - sit, have a seat.....She dragged my hand and started drawing on my hand without my permission.... i was surprised, i didnt want it but i was trying to be respectful so i kept telling her no i dont want it thank you but she just wouldn't let me go.....At the end of the day i had a weird ass drawing on my hand - sticky af...........and when shes done she showed me like a pamphlet or something with price tagged and HOLY CRAP its all 600 700 dh, which is like 60 euros per work...... I immediately felt i was ripped off. She said to me usually this is how much i charge people but because i like you you canjust give me whatever...... I felt soo SOOOOOO upset.. like I didnt ask you to do that and you ruined my hand AND I HAVE TO PAY YOU?? 🤧 but hey, like my mom said - be respectful. And she said i could just pay any amount. So i took out 50 dh. She looked at me with her angry face and be like, this is nothing. give me more........wow im like what????? she didnt let me go ... i tried to give her 100 too she was like not enough, give her all i had , which is 250..like i felt SOO SOOO SOOOOOOOOOO pissed off but not like theres anything i can do😭😭😭😭eventually i gave her 150 and she looked at me angrily but i told her i gotta go eat so she let me go unwillingly..... Like...the thing was not even worth 1 euro.... i saw later other woman selling that hand drawing art for 5 dh...... i felt sooo sooo SOOOOO ripped off. I mean yea i like helping people. But i like helping those who deserve it!! Not these types of people!!! and with that 150 i gave her, i would rather have given it to some other people who actually work hard and be nice to people.......UGHHHH not a big deall just a lil frustrating.. But yea at least, lesson learned.... anybody comes up to you trying to offer you something, you just ignore them... Like kindness doesnt really work with them. i think i gotta learn to be more cruel to a certain type of things or people. Cant always be nice. in the end of the day some people will just take advantage of it.
(that stupid drawing i still have it on my hand btw so not like it 😂)
I miss piano i miss drums I miss guitar i miss music!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll need to buy some traditional marraketch outfit tomorrow for my next shoot haha ! Do you guys want to see me wearing that kinda outfit and being sexy??🤭🤭🤭
these are just my random selfies haha. I'm in Morocco I'll be posting my journey my story tonight!!!! miss you guys a lot!!!! you guys love those Profesional photoshoot or my selfies ?😊😊😊
Day 36!!!!!!
Living in Spain is not cheap at all! I been making budget, keeping track of how much I spend every day. Turns out having only yogurt and nuts every meal, metro and all these small things can add up to 40 euros a day.......🤯 Im really trying to be thrifty but looks like it's still not enough. Gotta be harsher on myself now!!!!! But i wanted to get a looper (to loop the music i make and on top of it i can add drum beats piano sing bass guitar all that its soooo cool ive wanted it for a long long time!!!) and i was thinking about getting it for Christmas..... its a lot of money tho..300 euros 😭😭😭 Why is happiness so expensive?????
Anyways yea from tmr on maybe i should try spending 2 euros a day.hahah idk if i can do that...
ok today!!!! I went to do PCR gosh it hurt!! went to school!! went to practice music!! had my drum class!! practiced music again !! then went home!!! tiring!!but yeaaaa im going to Morocco tomorrow for shooting!!! Are you guys excited to see my Morocco photoshoot? yay
PANTYHOSE YAY!! you like pantyhose or not really a big fan?🤔🤔🤔
