SESKA IS ALL BUSINESS, ALL SEXUAL
Inspired by a past photoshoot from my classic amateur porn days on the late 1990s and early 2000s (titled “Books”,) in this creative erotic video I take on the role of a horny librarian who performs a striptease and sensually caresses her body and enjoys the pleasure of touching her clit and pussy.
Length: 4mins19secs
Attire: Business Sexual ;-) Music used with permission.
Regular price: $5
Only Fans Special Price: $4
#mature #stockings #striptease #roleplaying #fullbush #naturalbreasts #blacknylons #thighhighnylons #stayups
SESKA THEN & NOW
Did you know about my Then and Now project? In working on my porn comeback I have been looking at a massive amount of photos and videos from my early days in xxx. This gave me the idea for a creative erotic project where I would revisit a photoset from my vintage amateur vault.
The first classic amateur photoshoot I revisited was titled “Books”. I take on the role of a horny librarian who performs a striptease and sensually caresses her body and enjoys the pleasure of touching her clit and pussy. Attire: Business Sexual!
In the new hot mature version things get very intense pleasure-wise as I use my fingers on and in my bushy pussy and later come many times thanks to my powerful Le Wand Petit. The entire series of videos ends with a surprise squirt because of my g-spot play.
Enjoy a peak at a side by side view of my first Then and Now project. A little bit of me as I was in 2005 and me as I am now at age 49 with my new hot mature sexiness and intensity.
PS If you want to see more I will be posting PPVs of the photos and videos for Books Then and Now later today as well as offering the complete bundle for a discounted price via the TIP function.
31-DAY CHALLENGE ACCOMPLISHED
On January 1st I started a 31-day blogging challenge and after I hit publish today I can say I wrote 31 blog posts in 31 days!
Writing Challenge
I wasn’t planning this challenge but after writing a new year’s day post I felt inspired to write some more and then by the end of the day I had 4 entries complete. I thought it would be inspiring for me and my readers if I shared a new blog post each day
I’m so pleased with myself because I’ve been an inconsistent writer over the past few years. My therapist and I were chatting about how much life satisfaction I got from writing and that she could see a bounce in my step so to speak since I began my challenge. Her observations inspired me even more.
I think making it a public challenge did help me stay the course but more so it was the promise to myself that kept me writing. Some days I wrote many entries. Some days I wrote one. I let my energy lead the way. Though like Newton’s First Law that states a body at rest will remain at rest and a body in motion stays in motion, I think writing one day kept me writing the next day and so on.
Challenges Lead to Satisfaction
Beyond meeting the daily goal of my challenge I’m pleased with the quality of my posts. I shared from the heart. I wrote blogs of substance about sex, pleasure, philosophy, values, sex work, porn, fetish, arousal, and expression. I’m proud of myself for finding my way back to this kind of contribution in the world of porn. It is something I did rather consistently in the very early 2000s and it made me stand out from the crowd. This wasn’t why I did it but it was an added benefit.
Thank you for spending your January with me and my words (not just my photos and videos). It means a lot to me. I will continue to write, create and share and hope you will stay with me as I take the road less travelled.
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44272/the-road-not-taken
CUSTOM VIDEO SPECIAL - 2 DAYS LEFT
Two days left to order a custom video at a special reduced price!
Normally my rate for a custom video is $10/minute with a minimum of 5-minutes required but for my ONLY FANS relaunch for the month of January a special of $8/minute with a 2 minute minimum!
If you would like your video to not be sold in my clip stores, the fee is $50 extra but for the month of January 2021 I will be waiving that fee! Just let me know in your request you'd like it to be exclusive to you.
Read this post for all the details!!
Attached is a teaser from a custom JOI video I made for a loyal fan.
https://onlyfans.com/90276029/seskalee
I LOVE BUTT PLUGS
I need to tell you a secret. I have a tight pussy and I have a tight ass. Even if I’m super turned on neither expands very much. I think this is because I’ve gone weeks (and now months) at a time without penetration. I like being tight because it makes for a fulfilling experience. Yes, I went there. ;-)
Still from time to time I like to stuff myself as best I can and make it look good by using my adorable jewelled butt plug collection. Recently, I shot a solo anal play video where I started by fingering my well lubed ass, then inserting the small butt plug and finally using my Magic Wand on my thighs, pussy lips and clit to come. I learned awhile back during a FaceTime sex session with a lover not to put the wand on the jewelled butt plug. SO LOUD.
Later in the video I switched to the medium butt plug. It is not a huge difference (a couple centimetres larger) but enough for my ass to be very happy for more fullness after a good orgasmic warm-up. The second butt plug caused a second orgasm rather quickly. It was wonderful.
I will be posting the video from this anal masturbation session in February but I thought you’d like to see a little bit of the fun I had taking the medium butt plug out— slow motion style.
PS My full length solo sex videos are in colour but I like to get a little creative with my teasers.
CLASSIC AMATEUR PORN
In terms of production what most people consider amateur porn began with the advent of VHS camcorders. Not my personal experience making it because that happened much later but for many couples they saw that they could make porn of themselves for themselves as well as for others.
First Impressions
I didn’t rent or buy it in the 1980s, mind you. I wasn’t allowed behind the curtain into the adults-only section, but I did babysit and lots of people didn’t hide the porn they owned. I was curious but I will admit I didn’t watch much. I found the explicit scenes overwhelming and to be honest tacky looking which is funny in retrospect— I was 18 in 1989 and I had come of age in a very tacky decade.
Recently, Hyapatia Lee, a famous porn star from the last days of the Golden Era of porn on film, shared a YouTube video where she discusses that era of porn and the change video and later digital has had on the experience. Definitely worth watching if you are interested in the history of porn.
"Many things contributed to the change in adult entertainment over the years. Here is a brief historical perspective on the influences that contributed to those changes." — Hyapatia Lee
Homegrown Video
Many people like fantasy at the core of their porn. They want to see people in their very early twenties with very fit and enhanced bodies, the women wearing quite a bit of make-up and very high heels, the men with large penises with constant erections, engaging in extreme sex acts more akin to stunts than pleasure. This is what the studios of all sizes became known for.
With video though there also was a new kind of porn that became very popular— amateur porn. Homegrown Video is one porn company that began in 1982 and really took off in the 1990s that focused on very average looking couples submitting their homemade sex tapes.
It was after about five years of looking at mainstream studio porn that I began finding alternatives to this style more interesting. I began to search out porn that reflected my reality more accurately especially with regards to more natural body types and sex for the sake of pleasure and not shock.
My Classic Amateur Porn
It was a couple of years later that I found most of this on dial-up internet and came to realize that it was something I wanted to pursue. I saw an opportunity to express and document my sexual journey in an authentic and not overly edited way. I did this because I found it stimulating and arousing but also because I knew the power of being an example of embodied and informed genuine sexuality and eroticism.
Here are a few photos of me masturbating from one of my first amateur photoshoots.
If you'd like to see more of my classic amateur porn, please DM about my VIP Experience.
#flashbackfriday
https://youtu.be/0RjKntU0-Jc
Below I posted a teaser from the 7-minute video I shot last summer when I got stayed at a hotel all by myself. Here is the full length video!
Black Fishnet Pantyhose
Wearing nylons is a turn-on for me. Be they thigh-high stay-ups, stockings with a garter belt or pantyhose. The feel of the fabric against my skin and the tight hold they have on every curve of my feet and legs makes me feel so erotic. I adore the sensation. I will stroke my legs to feel it on my hands the way a lover would.
My arousal reaches a new level knowing that nylon fetishists and stocking admirers are aroused seeing ME wearing them. This is what this video is all about. I sensually and erotically move and pose for you. I show you every inch of me in beautiful black fishnet pantyhose (with an opaque control top for a retro touch).
I hope this video makes you as hard as it made me wet.
Seska
xo
My 50th birthday is in a week! It's a difficult year to have a milestone birthday but I'm finding ways to make it special. I might celebrate it all month long in small but meaningful ways. I've booked a massage. I'm researching a decadent meal for home delivery. I've created a wish list per multiple requests from loyal fans.
At the moment it's difficult for me to register a PO Box (with the pandemic none are available close by). So what I've decided to do is to create my own list.
If you wish to gift me something off of my list for my birthday please message me and I will give you my SPank Me wallet account where you can send me the funds for the item. I will make the purchase myself and cover the shipping fee.
It will still be a surprise and delight for me. Twice, no make that three times! First, when I receive the funds, second when I order, and third when I receive the final gift!
Whatever you choose please include a note and your e-mail so I can personally thank you in a meaningful way. Yes, that means a video just for you of me enjoying the birthday gift.
Aveda shampure™ vegan soy wax candle ($50 USD)
Mason Pearson Hair Brush Junior BN2 ($210) ❤️Gifted! Thank you! ❤️
M.Gemi The Esatto 90mm High Heel Pump ($300 USD)
M.Gemi The Lustro 90mm Block Heel Shoe ($300 USD)
Tom Ford Tobacco Vanille Fragrance 100ml ($340 USD)
Au Lit Fine Linens ($390 USD)
Tom Ford Alistair Sunglasses ($430 USD)
The Douglass Mattress with Mattress Protector ($600 USD)
Yes, I do have some big ticket items on my list. It's my 50th birthday after all. A major milestone!
HOTEL SEX IS AMAZING SEX
I’m a homebody. I don’t have wanderlust. That being said because of my work I’ve had sex in many hotel rooms and with the pandemic stay-at-home orders I’ve discovered that I deeply miss hotel rooms and especially sex in hotel rooms.
What’s So Special About Hotel Sex?
There are no distractions in hotel rooms. There are no knick knacks, no clutter, and no reminders of things that need to be done.
The linens are fresh. The bed tends to be big. There is a lot of room to spread out, roll about the crisp clean sheets, and immerse yourself in pleasure.
Hotels are where trysts happen. There is a sense of intrigue and discretion from the moment of check-in to check-out. No matter if it is a one star motel or a five star luxury boutique hotel or anything in between, it’s the perfect locale for an ardent engagement between lovers.
A hotel room is a blank space where you can escape into your fantasies with a sense of anonymity.
My Solo Hotel Sex Experience
This past summer I was able to get away for a night alone for some intense self pleasuring. I shot all sorts of sexy things for subscribers and custom video customers. My sexual desires were satisfied as well as my desire for much needed alone time.
Here are a teaser of a video I made during my night away.
I hope to book one again in February. What would you like to see from my next night of hotel sex?
DAY IN THE LIFE
Ever wonder what a day in the life of an online adult content creator begins? Here is mine.
Day in the Life – Morning
Most often the cats, Rufus in particular, hear me stir and start meowing. This happens between 4am and 6am. I’m an early to bed and early to rise person, a lark, so while I prefer to wake-up on my own I’ve grown used to my feline wake-up call.
Sometimes I lie in bed with a pillow over my head to sleep in a bit but usually I get up right away. I drink some water, feed the cats, and stretch. Then I grab my laptop and phone and head to the sofa. I watch a bit of CBC News Network with Heather Hiscox before moving on to my recordings of General Hospital and The Social.
While I watch I check my emails and messages across all the platforms I am on (there are 10 where I receive messages every day and 5 others where I get only a couple each week). Then I check my sales and enter the data into a spreadsheet. I wish this took longer. :-)
Then I hop on Twitter to do a bit of beginning of the day engagement. I read tweets from my favourite models, performers and writers. My feed is mostly work oriented but I do follow a few famous people like Jann Arden and Roxane Gay and animal profiles like the Squirrelwood Equine Sanctuary and Pockets Warhol. In the morning I tend to tweet candidly but later in the day I plan out quotes and photo posts to schedule since most people are online when I’m asleep.
In the morning I drink a few cups of coffee. On my last one I throw in a couple of scoops of collagen powder. You could consider it my first meal. It’s usually around this time that I head back to my bedroom and switch to working on my desktop.
I have found that following my cycle helps me do what works best for my physical, cognitive and emotional states as each phase has a significant effect on your different strengths. Thankfully, I’ve been tracking my period and symptoms for years so even as my cycle becomes unpredictable as I transition to menopause I’ve developed an intuition for what will suit me and my productivity best on a given day.
When people say that sex work gives them freedom this is one example. I can work in solitude on my financials on the days that ask for some hibernation. I can power through a few photo shoot concepts when I’m feeling sexual and creative. This was NOT the case during my “retirement” years when I worked retail.
After a couple of hours of work I have a proper breakfast. Sometimes it’s a smoothie. Sometimes it’s oatmeal with berries and nuts. Sometimes it’s peanut butter on raisin bread toast. I like simple meals. I’m not much of a cook since my divorce a decade ago.
Day in the Life – Afternoon
Then I work some more while taking breaks to do chores or to assist my mother as I’m her full time caregiver. She is 82. On top of not coming back to full mobility after a surgery for an abdominal aneurysm last year, she was diagnosed with breast, lung and bone cancer. I share this information because I think people forget adult entertainers have very real lives and chose this work in part because it allows for flexibility to take care of our families.
At around 3pm I like to get out of the apartment for a walk. I live near a wooded area with trails for easy going walks. These walks help me stay sane. I get a lot of my ideas on my little treks. I used to start the day with my walk but now I like to break my day with them.
When I get back I take a hot bath and have supper. For some reason I’ve been on a frozen dinner kick since the pandemic. I usually head to bed right after and watch movies and series on Netflix, Amazon Prime, Disney, Apple TV or Crave. Yes, between my mother and I, we subscribe to a lot.
Day in the Life – Evening
I fall asleep by 8pm.
Day in the Life – Exceptions
1) I switch things up when my sister and her family visits. The computer is locked up and I focus on them.
2) If my mother has medical appointments I do my customer service work for my fan sites and then we go to the appointments. I have little energy for anything else on those days. I might Tweet or write a bit but I won’t shoot or write.
3) This one is sexy. When I have custom videos to shoot I plan my day around them. Depending on the request I might shoot it in the morning or the late afternoon. For anal play I’m more physically relaxed later in the day so that when I do that. This has been the case for the past 20 years. Ass in the afternoon or, even better, in the evening!
TWITTER WAS A SEXY PLACE
I’ve been on Twitter since 2007. I first joined when I was a panelist at SXSW Interactive and everyone was using it to share where they were and what they were up to during the events. I loved the immediacy of the platform. As more people joined, the use of it for current events expanded and I think changed many social justice movements all around the world (for better and for worse). It has played a big role in bringing people together. It's a very powerful platform.
As a sex worker it has been one of the most accepting online spaces and an important tool for our activism as well as our marketing. However, there are likely some changes coming to the platform and as the resilient person I am I want to be prepared.
In terms of the business of online sex, I know my way around billing, hosting and social media platforms. I know that the more control I have over the means of distribution the stronger I am as a content creator. Maybe not the one with the most reach or making the most money, but I am working from a place of flexibility and efficacy. This is important to me.
here are some particular things listed in Twitter’s Terms of Service that are quite clear: no nudity in your avatar and your header. Many have not read the TOS and put all sorts of nudity in their avatar and header (dudes with their dick pics especially). If you are flagged for not abiding by this TOS you can get a warning or have your account removed.
In addition, per Twitter’s sensitive media policy “your account may be permanently suspended if the majority of your activity on Twitter is sharing sensitive media. Sensitive media is graphic violence, adult content, violent sexual conduct, gratuitous gore, and hateful imagery. Adult content is “any consensually produced and distributed media that is pornographic or intended to cause sexual arousal.”
Enforcement of these policies seem to be happening at an increased rate for sex workers.
I’ve stayed within the TOS but there are some concerns that certain language and certain imagery might soon be flagged and because I value my Twitter account I’ve decided as much as possible to not colour outside the lines. So I’m removing anything sexually explicit or that contains bare breasts, hand bras, and the like.
This will be bad news for some but I need to respond to the realties I face as a sex worker. The good news is if you want to see my boobs there are places to see them for free. Like here!
Of course, I much prefer that you pay me for work and I will forever choose to engage more in depth with those of you who are able to support my endeavours. This is my livelihood and between my health issues, caregiving duties and family responsibilities I only have a few hours in the day for it. I cannot pay my bills with the multitude of likes, dick pics, and I love you’s that I receive.
Again this comes down to my resilience and my ability to maintain my integrity as an adult content creator in a very sex worker stigmatized world.
Thank you so much to those of you who are able to support my work. It means the world to me.
I FEEL IRRESISTIBLE WHEN I DRESS-UP
I don't have the opportunity to dress-up these days so I decided to wear some glittery jewellery and a gorgeous silk bodysuit for one of my latest photos and video creations.
Burlesque Dress-up
I retired from burlesque in the fall of 2018. I had been living in Ottawa for two years and travelled every few months to Montreal to perform in shows produced by friends. These experiences were very different than when I lived in Montreal and produced or co-produced most of the shows I was in. I loved those days as I could pace out my time before the show and the night of the show to have an optimal experience.
Not so much for these Ottawa to Montreal weekends. I found the experience of travelling to perform exhausting. My weekends off of work didn't allow for any relaxation. I was very happy to see my friends and to perform on stage but the train back and forth as well as all the preparation in the days before and the clean-up after I came back made for zero time off. I need my downtime in ways I didn't when I was younger.
Still, I miss dressing up for burlesque shows as a performer and as a fan. It felt wonderful to look at the clothes I have in my minimalist closet and tap into the dress-up experience and create something sparkly and glittery.
It is also such fun to go through old photos from my vintage vault and find photos that remind me of those happy sexy burlesque babe times and the amazing professional photoshoots I took part in like this portrait by Andrea Hausmann of Coco Haus Productions (her Instagram is awesome).
Photoshoot Dress-up
Yes, that is the same photographer who shot me for my virtual photoshoot to celebrate my 50th birthday. I will be sharing the gallery exclusively with paid subscribers on my actual birthday (February 3rd) before releasing them elsewhere. Exciting!!!
FEMME DOMME
Today I share these lyrics in honour of a side of my personality that not many have seen or know of. But believe me SHE exists— Seska, The Femme Domme.
"Fetish"
Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
Oh, look good in latex
Get off having rough sex
Surprise, round and round the bed
Restrained while I fuck your head
You are my Fetish
Gaze down, it's time to be my dog
I'll push, to get you in that fog
You are my Fetish
Pain turns to pleasure fast
Relax, while I pound your ass
Cool cat, cool cat, come on I'll give you some
Oh, yea, gonna, I'm gonna watch you come
You are my Fetish
You are my Fetish
You are my Fetish
I order you, you, you
You better m-m-mind
I order you, you, you
You better m-mind
I order you, you, you
You better m-m-mind
I order you, you, you
You better m-mind
Femme Domme
The word dominant is derived from the Latin dominus which means “lord or master.” If you grew up with a Latin mass, you will recognize this as one of many words for God. For me when I tap into my dominant energies I am embodied with powers of control and dominion over the body and mind of my submissive.
These photos emphasize an intensity and fierce side of My Dominance. I have a sensual yet equally powerful side to My Dominance which I will share next Fetish Friday. The anticipation will inflame your deference to my authority. You have been warned.
I love looking back on #throwbackthursday at the fun I’ve had along my sexual journey. Especially when I discovered a new sex toy!
From 2002: I recently bought myself a new toy. It is a nifty silicone vibrator inspired by my astrological sign, Aquarius. I started off this shoot by testing it out on myself. James got hot watching me so I pulled him in and we put the toy aside. After playing with each other in all sorts of arousing ways, the toy was put back into action while I gave James a blow job. This hot and sexy time culminated in a lovely messy facial— always my favourite!
Today: This vibrating dildo was a long time favourite. It had a gentle vibration so it was perfect for warming up or adding a little buzz to my sex play. The shape and size was a wonderful fit for my sweet pussy. Amazing in and out action whether it was me using it on myself or him on me. I love using new sex toys with a partner! Then and now. :-)
PS The photos of the BG action can be found exclusively in my VIP members’ area via my personal website seska dot com.
FINDING MYSELF
When I started my porn comeback I mentioned a few times how as I was doing explicit self-portraits I was in search of my angles though I think that was shorthand for finding myself. Over the course of slowly getting comfortable again being in front of the camera, I’m finding myself and those angles.
These angles are about capturing as best as I can what I’m feeling erotically. I want my candid behind the scenes content, my intimate explicit masturbation photos and videos, and my creative professional project to capture my embodied sexual pleasure.
With aging, you earn the right to be loyal to yourself. ~ Frances McDormand
My experience of pleasure has changed as I’ve aged. It feels different in my body. It feels more intense and I have no desire to make it look any way but how it feels. I want to capture every moan, sigh, grimace, and facial contortion as the power of my orgasms pound through my body.
Ava Gardner was the most beautiful woman in the world, and it's wonderful that she didn't cut up her face. She addressed aging by picking up her chin and receiving the light in a better way. And she looked like a woman. She never tried to look like a girl. ~ Sharon Stone
This is what I try to do with my curvier, fleshier body during my photoshoot and video sessions— receive the light. I feel my body is a true wonderland as I curve and arch, contract and release. A playground for my viewers with my every touch and caress, every ripple and wave of pleasure. I express this and receive the light and you into my erotic experience. It really turns me on this process.
I'm curious. What is your experience with your aging body and its eroticism?
VIRTUAL PHOTOSHOOT
As I write this I’m planning to take part in my first virtual photoshoot. I’m so excited to try something new. I’ve spent the last 10 months creating all by myself and I’ve used this experience to explore my process as a model, performer, and visual artist. This has been satisfying. However, I so miss collaborating with other performers, photographers and videographers.
When my friend Andrea posted in her professional photography Patreon that she was offering virtual shoots I jumped at hiring for this service. She has shot me many times over the years for boudoir, glamor and burlesque projects but it has been a few years since our last project. We were both excited to work together once again.
Last week we had a conversation over Zoom.
First, we discussed my hopes for the experience and the photos. I wanted something sensual and glamorous but minimalist that I would not be able to do on my own.
We walked around the apartment I share with my elderly mother (so besides my bedroom the decor isn’t really to my taste) discussed some options for lighting and angles. I was excited for her to use my space differently than I do. Not only for this project but to help me to see my space through different eyes.
Lastly we went through my lingerie to see what interesting ways we could use what I already own. This is something special Andrea brings to her work— innovative ways to use simple items of clothing and fabric and transform them into gorgeous fashion.
Now I must go get ready. :-)
PS Here are a few photos from a past in-person studio photoshoot (2010).
Trust in Porn
I’ve written a few entries exploring truth in adult entertainment and services. Now I’d like to reflect on the role of trust in online sex work and what I’ve done to build trust between me and clients of my virtual services, customers of my digital products and my fans in general.
Clear is kind. —Brené Brown
Since day one I’ve done my best to use clear language about what I offer and what are the terms for any purchase or subscription. When I began my pay site in January 1999 people were still wrapping their heads around using credit cards online and we regularly received money orders by mail as an alternative payment method. It was a question of trust.
Having clear and honest sign-up and cancelling information was so important to us (me and my then-husband and business partner). Billing and porn companies in the internet’s earliest years purposefully made cancelling near impossible.
Things improved because of legislation and more responsible business practices. However, as a customer you need your reading glasses for much of it. There is a lot of fine print in both mainstream and adult subscriptions. I recently subscribed to a fitness app thinking I’d be able to unsubscribe in the app store but it turns out I need to contact customer service. Fingers crossed they reply.
Do what you say you are going to do. —Danielle LaPorte
Being a member of a porn site was not the same as buying a magazine or renting a VHS tape. So many adults born before 1980, we cut our teeth on online commerce via porn— performer, model, webmaster and customers alike. There was a continuity to it because it was based on a more immediate experience at any time of the day or night.
When I ran my paysite for the first 5 or so years it was important that we were available for customer service questions 24/7. It helped build trust in this new and unfamiliar way of engaging with adult content. We had two high speed internet connections so if one went down (as they were wont to do then) we would have a back up. We never went on vacation. Not one day. We worked on Christmas. It was all consuming for us because we wanted to deliver what we said we would. Fans knowing that I was behind-the-scenes as well as in front of the camera made the porn experience more personal and also more trustworthy.
Trust as Karma
As someone who is more than just the face of a product but whose personal experiences are the product, I don’t want to mislead people. It feels like bad sexual karma. To trade in deception while partaking in sex feels unnecessary to me. I want my work to be validating, empowering and pleasurable.
I only want people to be a part of my online sex world who genuinely want to be there. Like with an IRL relationship I want our break-up to be drama free. I don’t want you sticking around because of a technicality, but because you want to.
Photos: May 2020
What’s My Porn Persona?
I know of many sex workers (as well as Instagramers, YouTubers, Tik Tok stars, etc...) use personas for their work. I think that the ways they use them falls on a spectrum from minimal to 100%. It’s a highly personal choice. I land on the minimal, but still find many aspect of having a persona plays a part in my sex business.
I Had a Porn Persona
When I began making porn I didn’t have a persona. I was exploring my sexuality not just in terms of sexual scenarios but also in the ways I felt sexy. I was highly influenced by mainstream porn as well as sexiness in the broader culture but this felt less like a persona and more like I was discovering who I was by trial and error.
By the time I had been making and sharing my porn for five years I felt very set in my ways and that was something I didn’t know what to do with. There were so many expectations placed on me by partners as well as fans and I felt very constrained. I had created a persona without even knowing it. Ultimately trying to remain as I was led me to having a midlife crisis and burnout. The static nature of a persona doesn’t suit me. This part I didn't like.
Personas Tell a Story
Human beings love stories— telling them, hearing them. A persona allows you to tell a story to draw clients and fans to you. It might use tropes and archetypes. It might be an exaggerated version of yourself or the positive aspects of yourself.
Its main purpose though is to be a bridge of connection between you and your audience. With our limited attention spans the successful use of a persona helps establish that connection within seconds. It's a powerful tool. This part I liked.
A Persona Sets Boundaries
Having a persona can protect your privacy to a certain degree because you can share personal details that belong to your persona and conceal your true name, personal history, location, relationship status, other work, etc… It’s not 100% effective as I know from personal experience. You can still be doxed.
This happened to me when a client used his government job to research me based on the clues I provided by not being consistent with my persona and boundaries. I cannot tell you how much damage this did to my sense of privacy and safety. I’m still processing and recovering from this invasion of privacy some years later.
That is another of the hard parts of having a persona for me. Having to keep my story straight. My mind and spirit is not wired for that much subterfuge. I find it exhausting and I drop my guard when I am tired or under the influence of alcohol (one reason I’m sober).
I Don’t Have a Persona Anymore
After experiencing that betrayal I had to develop other strategies for establishing boundaries and protecting myself. I had to discover ways better suited to my personality to present myself online and within customer interactions. It’s become about the purposeful decision regarding what to share, when I share it, and how I want to share it.
It’s more of a magical cloak that I control than a shield of armour and it’s one that can transform as I continue my life’s journey.
Photos: Into the Woods June 2020
There have been some amazing advances in the digital creation of people’s faces. It has envisioning a world of digital sex workers. The use of this technology has been occurring for a few years for stock photography and digital lifestyle influencers and we can expect it to be a big part of digital sex work soon.
The examples I’ve seen certainly look real to me and these are the ones I know to be fakes. I wonder how many faces I’ve seen that belong to no true human. It makes me feel uncomfortable to think about it as I hate to be lied to, to be misled.
I’m not the only one. People have stolen my photos and used them to pretend to be me. Fans were very disappointed when they thought they were in a relationship with me but it was some strange man. It took me years to get the photos taken down and that’s just one account. I know there must be so many others out there.
It reminds me of the webmasters back in the day who handled all the text and customer interaction on the behalf of a porn performer and her fans thought they were communicating with her when in fact it was the webmaster (who either purchased the license to her scenes or hired her and created a site for her).
Something similar is currently going on with many of the top models and performers on Only Fans. They have a team managing their accounts because their subscriber count is so high that the model needs help maintaining the account while she focuses on content creation. Some are transparent about this and others are not. I don’t think I need to say which approach I prefer.
Back to the fakes and digital sex work It’s going to be very interesting when the technology is applied to porn more and more— especially for personalized GFE type services. Fans will be communicating with someone other than the model not because of the volume of fan requests but because there is no human matching the face of the model. They are turned on by a digital sex worker.
This is right around the corner and something I think sex workers, clients and customers need to be prepared for. We need to ask ourselves what we want from our sexual entertainment and services. What is real? What is true? And how do we determine this?
Photo: definitely me in the early 2000s
Reminder: Please NEVER ask about seeing me in person here. This includes comments AND messages. OnlyFans has a strict policy against this and you risk my account being deleted. If you choose to ignore this, I am required to report and block you.
VIRTUAL GFE
The business of porn has changed so much since the 2000s. There used to be a distinction between being a content creator and a service provider, but now there is significant overlap in roles and activities. The virtual GFE has blended fantasy with reality even more so than before.
The virtual girlfriend experience (GFE) has become front and centre.
I’m very familiar with the term GFE as I worked under that banner when I was an exxxxt. While the acronym is a bit subjective and the definition varies depending on location, it began as a comparison to what was typically offered from the sex workers of the time. The GFE was a warmer and more intimate encounter lasting an hour or more in comparison to short, functional wham bam thank you ma’am encounters.
A GFE date would include conversation, cuddling, open mouth kissing and often reciprocal pleasure in sexual acts. Early on service providers (SPs) charged more for GFE but by the late 2000s GFE became fairly standard at most price points. The client’s expectation of more physical intimacy as well as an increase in the demands of emotional labour on the part of the SP made for a new merging of fantasy and reality.
Now this GFE energy has been brought into the virtual sex services spaces with the advent of one to one camming, smartphones, social media platforms, sexting, and fan sites. It wasn’t expected from porn performers and explicit content creators. Now it is.
This merging of porn with GFE service is something I wasn’t prepared for.
This is surprising because in 2008 when I moved from porn to exxxxxing I was a GFE exxxxt. The mix of GFE fantasy with reality is nothing new to me and I see it’s allure. It brings some meaning to transactional encounters and can make for very beneficial experiences for both parties. I have fond (in and out of bed) memories of many of my clients and they of me ( we still stay in touch).
What differentiates the in-person and the virtual GFE is time and space.
When I exxxxxxd there was screening and negotiation before agreeing upon a date— on both our parts. My website and advertisements went into detail about my personality, interests, style of GFE, and rates. We exchanged emails before meeting to see if we were a good match. During the course of our time together (usually two-hours) I was able to cultivate mutual sexual energy and create a satisfying girlfriend experience.
It might look easy but creating a feeling of closeness without the commitment of a relationship is the work of a true sex professional.
With virtual GFE services the parameters are different. Things happen very quickly over direct messages that are typically made up of dick pics, emojis and incomplete sentences on the client’s part. Though, most clients are not clients at all. They are folks looking for GFE over text (with photos, video and one to one cam) without wanting to pay more than a handful of dollars if anything at all.
Of course, inane requests were sent to all of us as in-person SPs, but it’s on a whole other level for virtual GFE services. The virtual space feels like it’s all-access, all-the-time rushing through eroticism and pleasure to “nut”. It’s definitely doesn’t exist at a pace in which my erotic mind flows. It feels like treating sexuality (mine, yours and theirs) like junk food.
So if this is the reality of virtual GFE today, what should I do? I’ve got some ideas. Sexy, fun and authentic to me ideas. More on that in a future entry.
* promotional photos from my time as a GFE SP (2012) *
There is a dichotomy between fantasy and reality— especially with porn. It takes someone’s fantasy and transforms it into a media representation of reality. Sometimes it’s the porn performer’s fantasy, sometimes the producer’s, and often it’s a fantasy a pornographer assumes belongs to viewers.
The performers may in fact be acting that they’re sexually aroused when in fact they aren’t. On and off camera you can’t necessarily trust what you see because of arousal non concordance. A person’s bodily response is not always an accurate depiction of their subjective interest or pleasure.
Or the performer may find that making porn (or being paid to make porn) is what turns them on and not the sex acts themselves. It’s the context which is the turn-on. Being a sexual rebel is an aphrodisiac for many of us porn performers. For most, I think, it’s a mix of the two— acts and context.
With all these possibilities does truth matter in porn? Is the difference between fantasy and reality important?
I don’t know. I think it’s an individual decision based on our own understanding of the impact media has on our desires (medium is the message type thinking). I think some people have thought about this but most consume sexual material more or less without self reflection or examination.
I’m not one those people. I do A LOT of self examination about fantasy and reality. It’s how I’m wired, I think. I also make adjustments to my behaviour and my surroundings so I can feel best in my skin. This includes the ways in which I experience my sexuality and the ways in which I create porn.
Right now I make porn as an expression of my truth and it's a blend of fantasy and reality and I do my best to make it clear to fans what is what. The current circumstances are some that I’ve never experienced before (in a home with very little privacy and without access to other partners and collaborators). It’s been a weird year but I have tried to stay true to myself and my desires.
I’ve found ways to experience sexual pleasure and document it in my photos and videos. My approach resonates with my fanbase. It’s one reason so many of you, so I’m told, are drawn to me and my content. You love that I’m authentic.
I love to perform and hate to lie.
What I have learned over the years about myself is that when it comes to sex it’s a nuanced mind-body connection. The stimulation could be entirely physical and I feel good even if I have little attraction to a partner. Or it might have a lot to do with my attraction to them.
Other times it could be the situation that drives my arousal and transforms it into something experienced and expressed in my body. The why I’m having sex is the big turn on. I found this to be the case when I roleplayed, met with clients or when I shot big group scenes.
There are times when I’m purely “feeling myself” and that sparks my desire and sexual response. It’s been very personal and intimate but also something I love showing to others as a bit of a counter culture move. I want people to see an older woman enjoying her sexuality without it being all about the tropes.
Tomorrow I’ll explore the concept of truth in sex work as porn has blended with GFE services. I’m looking forward to it.
Are you?
PS Photo is of me from earlier this year doing a custom video where I was roleplaying The Seductive Cougar (in a wig).
PPS I highly recommend you check out Emily Nagoski's Ted Talks to learn more about arousal non concordance.
The next few blog posts are inspired from a podcast I listen to most every day— The Bridge with Peter Mansbridge. You were expecting a sex or sex work podcast, I bet. While I occasionally listen to those kinds of podcasts my regular listening tends to be on current events, beauty, meditation, organization, and wellness.
One neat thing I find about listening to what I listen to is taking the topics and themes outside of the field of sex and applying them to my life’s work.
In the case of this miniseries of blogs I was inspired by the episode from January 4th, 2021 titled Truth And Trust -- And How Compliance To The Rules Suffers When We Don't See Them In Our Rule Makers.
As I listened it made me think about what porn consumers expect from pornographers, porn performers and porn websites.
Are truth and trust important to porn consumers?
Do these values matter less if they aren’t paying for their porn?
When it comes to porn, does the dichotomy between fantasy and reality affect our appreciation of truth and trust?
Let’s explore this in the next couple of entries!
For the non-Canadians reading, Peter Mansbridge is an award winning journalist. He is best known for his five decades of work at the CBC where he was Chief Correspondent of CBC News and anchor of The National for thirty years.
Here is the a photo gallery (40 pics!!!) from my Cheap and Trashy Open Lingerie series.
There is lots to enjoy in this series including shots of my beautiful breasts and pussy plus xxx fun with my bright orange-red dildo from Fun Factory.
If you want access to more of my hot mature xxx photos and videos let me know!
#toytuesday
When I moved from Montreal to Ottawa I went from a 1-bedroom apartment to a studio apartment. I had to downsize my belongings in a major way. I was on a minimalist journey before that but the move brought it to the next level.
When downsizing I focused on quality over quantity and this applied to everything I owed including my sex toys. What made the cut was my Amor silicone dildo from Fun Factory.
What I love about this dildo is its firmness and texture. It feels so substantial when I slide it in and out of my pussy. I feel fulfilled in a fantastic way.
Because it’s made of silicone I can’t use silicone lube with it (which can damage the toy) so my first choice is a high quality oil-based lubricant. It lasts long enough for a lengthy pussy pleasure session and doesn’t make a mess because it naturally absorbs into my precious intimate skin.
So wonderfully sexy for a woman of my age!
Would you like to see more xxx sex toy play? The full photo gallery will be dropping here later today!!
#muffmonday
As promised here is a photo of the panties from my cheap and trashy lingerie photoshoot that I wrote about last week. I think it’s a stretch to call them panties since they cover very little of me. However, like the bra, the straps do frame me so beautifully. Especially my muff!
Recently, I’ve been fantasizing about wearing this lingerie for a lover and having them take their time exploring my exposed pussy with their eyes, fingers, lips and tongue. Wet and slick touches rousing me as they revel in my scent and the lushness of my bush. Bringing my juices from their lips to mine so we both taste it and then returning to attentively, purposefully kissing and licking my pussy and my clit with fingers inside so I can come all over their face.
Let me know what fantasies my muff inspires in you.
Yesterday I promised you I’d write a bit about what I’m erotically curious about right now. It’s with regards to the sexual power of ageing and what it means to me as a mature woman (who turns 50 in just 24 days). But first a photo from my vintage amateur xxx vault to set the stage.
This photo is of me in 1998. I’m 27. I’m wearing my first set of latex opera length gloves. I’m on my knees. For some this may be read as a message of submission. However, my subjective experience at the time was intertwined with other elements of power dynamics. It was mixed with exhibitionism, worship and Goddess energy (with me as Goddess, obviously).
As I knelt I was putting myself on display to be admired and adored. There was sexual power in my posture. I think I felt all these things because at my core I’m a switch and I’m aroused by erotic rituals of devotion and connection.
I’ve noticed with age I’ve begun to be treated with reverence and esteem. Some of it is symbolic. For example, my hair with its silver streak inspires people to call me Ma’am instead of Miss even if just the day before I was a full brunette and they referred to me as Miss. Some of it is experience. For example, with a decade of burlesque performance under my garter-belt I was treated as a mentor by the neophytes to the scene.
Now with my return to porn I’m experiencing a sexual admiration that is different than what I experienced when I was younger. It's a point of view, I think, influenced by what we see in popular media— the vivacious cougar on the hunt for her junior male prey. Certainly a sexy idea in many ways and an experience I've enjoyed in the past and will enjoy again I'm sure.
However, I don’t feel bound by this trope. Maybe it’s because I’m a switch or maybe because I’m also a renegade for many things sexual. In any case, I’m currently fascinated by what it would be like to worship at the alter of a nubile man and cater to his erotic desires as my Daddy and in return have him treat me as his divine treasure.
I’m so curious about what it would be like to create and share porn with these themes and this imagery.
I feel it would be so powerful and exhilarating.
As sex worker one of the things I have enjoyed so much is living out my sexual fantasies through collaboration. In my earlier porn days I was part of a swinging community and it was so rewarding to be able to mix friendship, sex and commerce together as we made fantastic amateur porn as a group of like-minded couples. We lived out our sexual fantasies together.
This is something I’ve missed so much as I’ve made my porn comeback all alone in 2020. I really picked a doozy of a challenging time to get back into something so pleasurably synergistic as adult entertainment.
On the upside it has allowed me the time to get comfortable being on camera again— recording myself naked as I touch myself, documenting my multiple orgasms, and even squirting for the first time on video.
I feel that I’m prepared to collaborate once again! Add people to the mix!
Now, I have done a lot of stuff in my porn life. You’d think I wouldn’t have any sexual fantasies left to live out. Well, you’d be wrong. When I was younger I thought that would be the case too. Especially given that I have had sex in all sort of locations with hundreds (if not more) people, in all sorts of combinations and permutations. But no, I still have a strong sense of desire and curiosity.
What makes this possible I think is just that— my curiosity about sex in general and specifically about my own erotic mind. Tomorrow I will share what I’m curious about right now at age 49 and 10-months since I last had partnered sex.
#fetishfriday
A fetish is a story masquerading as an object.
This was an important lesson for me to learn. The lesson of projection. I think it applies to more than fetishes, to more than sex. However, for my purposes today let me share with you a foot fetish photo from my vintage amateur porn vault and the comment I received when I first shared the gallery in which it was featured.
The photo gallery was entirely filled with photos of my feet in all of my shoes, boots, slippers and sandals. They were all shot from this angle. They did not go higher, nor show my facial expression. The collection was simply of my ankles, arches, feet, toes and shoes.
This was the text for this gallery: Here is a selection of my favourite boots & shoes. In the future,
whenever I buy a new pair I really like, I'll display them on this page. :)
The comment I received regarding this gallery was: you look so turned on in these photos.
Well, I can assure you I wasn’t. The experience was very functional and completely mundane. Put on shoes, pose, remove shoes, repeat. To make for a good photo the poses were not natural and even holding them for a few moments was awkward. The position of my feet were not at all similar to the way my entire body including my feet holds tension during pleasurable sexual experiences (only to then release upon orgasm).
Yet, the viewer saw something else. He projected onto these photos and onto me the way *he* felt when looking at the photos. The viewer’s comment told me his story of his attraction and perception of feet— my beautiful feet.
I have never forgotten this.
