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2022-04-12 19:51:27 +0000 UTC View Post
lauraperlongo posts
ok i hear youUuu. Haha MORE CONTENT COMING 🦮 I wanna to do..
ok i hear youUuu. Haha
MORE CONTENT COMING 🦮
I wanna to do a new weekly series tho, u right u right. The weekly belly progressions were fun. Let’s do a busy mom version of that?
Pajama short plant watering content? We down with it? too real? 🙈 do we like that? low key. Asmr. livestream? Wednesday mornings? Or just post the video? Tell me what you want me to riff on via DM for next week. Watch at your leisure? Idk I’ll do some polls.
mom life maaaaaan 🌪☕️🌪
still here for u tho 😋
ok everyone … with a heavy heart the time has come to bid ad..
ok everyone … with a heavy heart the time has come to bid adeiu to my Only Fans. I’ve had a great time getting to know everyone and will cherish the memories we’ve made together forever. Thank you for being here to support and encourage me during such a delicate time in my life. You’ve helped me overcome my fears and embrace my whole body and self in a way I’ve never thought possible. Thank you thank you thank you.
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April Fools!!!! 😈😇
😛😛can’t stop won’t stop 😛😛
But the thank you is no joke! THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. You make my days so much more fun. I’m hooked. 🖤🎣🖤
baby obviously prefers the right 😂 you?
baby obviously prefers the right 😂
you?
photographer had to reschedule but I already did my cat eye...
photographer had to reschedule but I already did my cat eye. It’s cool tho I’m fine she’s fine…
😭😭😭
omg HI it’s been a real mr.toad’s wild ride kinda couple wee..
omg HI it’s been a real mr.toad’s wild ride kinda couple weeks but I’m hereeee.
Updates:
baby sleeping through night ✔️
spring in New York has sprung ✔️
I’m back writing for stuff that isn’t social media related ✔️✔️💀😂
I almost feel alive again ✔️✔️✔️✔️
key word ALMoST*
Not that I feel dead after I have a baby. I love the haze. It’s like I’m seeing the world through strawberry jello? Pudding? Yes dragging my body through trifle. That’s what post baby feels like. It’s sweet and delicious and slows you tf down but you kinda wanna see outside the bowl and unfortunately you’ve got whipped cream in your eyes? Yes. I said it. It’s sweet and sticky but also…get it offa me?
But it’s a double edged sword bc as I type that my bb is sitting up and rolling around n it’s all happening too fast. PUT ME BACK IN THE DESSERT. I want that haaaaaze. But also my ego can only handle so much “putting myself on hold”so it’s gooood. It’s fine. Until I panic and want another baby? Being a woman is weird.
Anyway, 📸 tonight! Tell me what you want n I’ll try to make it happen. Also feel free to DM me for any bb sleep tips. I think I’m p good at it ngl 😎😎😎
In the meantime have a perfect week and…happy st. Patrick’s day? yeah why not. 💋💋💋
cocktail sauce or nah? Also, do you hate when someone pree..
cocktail sauce or nah?
Also, do you hate when someone preemptively lemons the whole tray? I hate it. Keep your juice on your own oyster (unless instructed otherwise, of course)
8 weeks!!! jk jk jk can u imagine? Nahhh just 4 1/2 months ..
8 weeks!!!
jk jk jk can u imagine? Nahhh just 4 1/2 months postpartum with a moment to oogle and compare.
5 days, 3 weeks and 4 1/2 months in the side by side def show the slow shift back down to “normal” or whatever that means. Strangely not a ton of change since 3 weeks pp except i lost my tan and realized i look better if i poke my ass out a bit. 💁🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
8 weeks pregnant vs now in the other side by side. Still softer than i was then. Still got a slight kangaroo pouch. You can mostly tell based on the marks around my torso from this morning’s questionable pant decision. I can officially “button” all pre pregnancy jeans (!) but i mean button in the most physics-defying sense of the word. Even if I decide to embrace the taxed button with resulting muffin top and pop out for a nosh, halfway through dinner I’m still going down a button or two (or three).
But who cares. I don’t have time to shop for new pants, I’m too busy sniffin n snugglin my cute asf lil smiley fuckin baby! N the unbuttoned jeans just remind me who I am: someone who doesn’t give a fuck about pants. When the baby goes to preschool, if i still can’t keep em buttoned, well then I’ll size up (but only after I pick up a new language and learn how to play piano etc etc) Buttoned pants are overrated is all I’m sayin. Who needs em.
Hope everyone’s having a great week!
❤️
me n u working out late night, what’s ur first move?
me n u working out late night, what’s ur first move?
2022-02-08 01:50:24 +0000 UTC View Postwellll I’m back in the snow and cold. And i must say…HAPPILY..
wellll I’m back in the snow and cold. And i must say…HAPPILY. This is the only photo of me that exists from our weeklong trip bc, as many of you know, parenting (and what a cliche to admit it) is really a no days off, no time to pose situation.
I think I “relaxed” for about 36 minutes total but even that was consumed by whiplash. Give or take a few sour milk pina coladas the trip left me spinnin with 2 plane cancelations, 2 rebooks, 1 period stain from the 80s on a hotel fitted sheet, our one (and only) baby nurse / kid helper deciding she didn’t feel safe bc she was sure someone “tampered with her chain lock” and she wanted to go home (1 hotel change), ((still let her go home)), 15 baby night wakes….
Then the math starts to gets fuzzy but something like 63 cookies, 41 gelatos and 2 vegetables. 100 i hate yous (middle kid), 101 i love yous “in the face” (mostly middle kid) one fully-clothed panic jump into pool to save…middle kid. 429 laps w stroller around the pool to “get the nap”. 3,994 “can i watch a movies”. 3,992 request denials. (2 movies) 6 trillion pieces of kid art that we “HAVE TO BRING HOME! YOU’RE WRINKLING IT! WHY DID I FIND THIS WET PAPER CROWN IN THE TRASH!!!” One coffee spill on baby. Two security checks re:spill to make sure we know it’s my fault and don’t sue (“he’s FINE!”), 2 grandmas, 2 aunts, 1 uncle, 1 cousin, one dinner w nev (only one lol), 6000 photos of the baby smiling before 6am. 72 cappuccinos (easily my favorite 10-12 moments of each day) But yeah, kids mannnn. Give ‘em all the Shirley temples. Take all our money. Would do it all again but only cuz I’m out of my gd mind.
I have to say there was a moment when nev looked over at me lovingly after we had just packed out of our final hotel and said “you just don’t care about anything that doesn’t matter do you?” and of course i was like “the fuck does that mean” ready to fight about a poorly timed compliment cuz I’m sweaty and on edge. And he explained that every time i breastfeed (which is constantly and everywhere) a few drops of milk stain my shirt when I’m done and I just leave it and never notice or care and he thought that was cool. And then i looked in the mirror for the first time that day. I saw my stained shirt, makeup-free face n unruly unbrushed hair n thought “yeah she dope”.
Hope your week was more relaxing then mine. But either way don’t forget to respect yourself for the hustle. Nothin wrong w hard work even if it’s supposed to be a vacation. And nothin but love for the moms n dads.
Hope you’re as happy it’s Monday as I am. 😛💕
here she is again, mom-after-dark confessionals It’s been ..
here she is again, mom-after-dark confessionals
It’s been nearly impossible to hold it together lately. Started a laundry list of the things bogging me down but then the list itself started bogging me down and I WANT OUTTA THE BOG. Long story short, moms (esp moms with 90% of the parenting load) don’t get a fucking break man. Everyday I’m spinnin the porcelain plates. 3am, 4am, 5am til I’m limping out at 8pm…SPINNIN. And I’m fucking dizzy. And i don’t wanna hold it together anymore. After dark I wanna put on some hoe shit and feel something. for me, for you, for every mom spinnin too calloused by the day to remember she’s still in there fly as fuck.
SHE FLY AS FUCK.
Whenever people ask me why I’m on here I grapple with an explanation. Like I (or anyone) needs to somehow align her identify with a more palatable version of womanhood after motherhood. Like we should just put on our last pair of leggings and die in them holding our families up as we sink into the (lululemon-branded) ground.
Tempting based on exhaustion levels but ehhhhh….. for me life’s too short to skip a pleather look fam. I wanna be kitch. Go off brand. If I’m going down I’m going down w a lil flair. Stealing a lil “me time” 🙄 to be a different cliche! I don’t do New Years resolutions cuz who has the time but idk, maybe i should. Imma stop apologizing (even if it’s mostly to myself) for being myself AND mayyyybe get more moms in blue pleather corsets (or whatever their version of that is) feeling themselves away from the crushing responsibility of everything else
New moms (and old…to be honest) are in a constant collision of identity and once in awhile we need to just be a fucking tornadoooooo. No?
Idk I’m workshopping.
😛
anyway, hi. check ur dms? Haha 🌪
everyone napping. Should i join them or make a workout video..
everyone napping. Should i join them or make a workout video in the TikTok leggings…🤷🏻♀️😇
2022-01-19 19:52:34 +0000 UTC View Postmom-after-dark confessionals two day oF blackout had me con..
mom-after-dark confessionals
two day oF blackout had me confused about what to do with my hands…
(missed you mean it ❤️)
didn’t know the hotel had a pool but we improvising 😎
didn’t know the hotel had a pool but we improvising 😎
2021-12-24 00:32:57 +0000 UTC View Post
sweating out tequila this morning like 🤢🏋🏻♀️ lol It was Sa..
sweating out tequila this morning like 🤢🏋🏻♀️ lol
It was Santa con in NYC over the weekend which means drunkk Santa’s roam the streets wreaking chaos and clogging the sewers with drugstore quality poly-rayon hats. It’s cliche to hate it but who can resist. Fake beards dribbling whiskey onto your kid’s heads as they swing about the streets at 1pm bleary eyed and blocking traffic. The sagging pants. The soggy white fur cuffs high-fiving their shared interest in bastardizing the patron saint of children.
But, ya know, it’s festive. It also happens to be my best friend’s birthday weekend. EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. Me and the drunkk Santa’s going toe to toe, shot for shot, on who will celebrate longer and harder. They’re empirically the worst and yet here I am caroling for carol alongside em. God Bless em those drunkk Santas. God bless em.
can never decide if i should coat check or not
can never decide if i should coat check or not
2021-12-11 02:57:53 +0000 UTC View Posti like my days long n my showers hot
i like my days long n my showers hot
2021-12-08 03:01:44 +0000 UTC View Poststrands keep burning out 🤦🏻♀️
strands keep burning out 🤦🏻♀️
2021-12-05 02:08:48 +0000 UTC View Posti saw mommy kissing Santa claussss… only it was a Santa Cla..
i saw mommy kissing Santa claussss…
only it was a Santa Claus ornament bc MOMMY HAS ALREADY LOST HER GD MIND IN THE XMAS QUALIFIER (ie thanksgiving). If anyone tryna kiki on holidays gone mad hmu. Traditions that helped you make sense of time and space gone awry?People lost feeling…lost again? Countless familial relationships in desperate need of repair just slappin a red n green bandaid on it in the name of Saint Nick? ✔️✔️✔️ It’s really just an awful time for everyone. BUT STARBUCKS HAS THOSE CUTE LIL RED CUPS? 🤗
Anyway, Thanksgiving weekend was hard just like it was probably hard for anyone with lil kids. Apparently new baby compounds toddler holiday drama behavior and really has you questioning why you don’t just become a Jehovah witness minus the celebrating Jesus part too. TAKE IT ALL AWAY WE (THEY*) DONT DESERVE YOU. But no, year after year I live and breathe the holidays like a total fucking idiot.
Cuz who can resist dragging their kids to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. And then getting the tree. And then, well I mean we have to bake cookies! And do you even HAVE a tree if no one comes to your house to see it!?!? (parties parties parties 🧟♀️🎄🧟♀️). Oh and we need good pictures of all of it! SMILE KIDS! And then list-making, gift-buying and the stress of planning stressful travel and we’re rounding out the first weekend of the “holiday season” and it’s not even December yet (lol)
But ok ok reeeeeling it in. Of course I’m thankful I get to do all this stuff. Even if it’s to the soundtrack of fighting kids and screaming babies once in awhile you see them smile and hug each other to the tune of Bing Crosby’s “it‘s beginning to look a lot like Christmas”. Better yet you take em shopping for the school toy drive and let them go bananas for kids in need. Teach em what matters while you’re busy doing all the stuff that doesn’t matter but kinda matters? Like stressing about where to hang the stockings “with care”…Meanwhile wondering if doing all the holiday prep and decorating just builds up the impossible weight of tradition on my kids shoulders.
Coercing them to become nostalgic for a Christmas I too am “nostalgic” for. AM I PERPETUATING UNHEALTHY HOLIDAY EXPECTATIONS!? Anyway 😵💫😵💫😵💫 i better stop thinking and just drink my wine…right? right. I’m still allowed to love Christmas right? right! Ok cool good talk. hahah 😳
But yes! Happy thanksgiving! happy December?🤞🤩🤞 Hope you’re well and the Thanksgiving weekend wine down feels as good as mine. 😛
Have a great week.
kinda miss lookin like a stuffed turkey not gonna lie…🤗 Hap..
kinda miss lookin like a stuffed turkey not gonna lie…🤗
Happy Thanksgiving everybody! 🌽
hi i got a haircut and it’s swimsuit weather in New York… b..
hi i got a haircut and it’s swimsuit weather in New York…
but make it Christmas?
💦🎄❤️❤️❤️