If I could sum up how I feel in a picture right now. This..

If I could sum up how I feel in a picture right now. This would be the one. I’m standing in the dark … I see the light. I know it’s steps away. Logically i know I can move through the doorway fully into the light but I can’t. I’m stuck. Half in and half out. I had a really bad afternoon and evening today. A morning of dental work left me sore and then an emotional afternoon spent trying to talk and comfort both of my kids through their own personal crisis. Finally this evening when I had a moment alone I checked my messages to find a new fan messaged to tell me my page is not worth $20. Access to My naked body and days, weeks and over a years worth of work is so bad that a “fan” felt compelled to message me to tell me that. How is access to a years worth of my work, my heart and my soul, my body worth less than $20???? Please someone tell me how someone can say that to me? What makes someone want to hurt me like that? What did I do to deserve that ? Again logically I know the answer. I know I shouldn’t give that person one ounce of my energy. I know it’s triggering me and it’s my job to work on that. I have been working on that and doing really really well but on a day like today … when I’m emotionally and physically exhausted … my mind wants to return to the old patterns of thought. Thoughts like …Maybe he’s right. Maybe my page sucks. I can’t even make enough profit to buy lingerie or get a hair cut. Barely any of my fans take the nanosecond to like any of my posts. Maybe the hours it takes me to get the right light for a quality unedited picture means nothing. My body is shit. Unless I use it for b/g, g/g or solo play it’s worthless. They don’t care about lighting or personal notes/sharing. I’m crying as I lay here typing this. Do I stop giving so much of the real Joanne? Do I just treat my fans as $$? Adapt a standard script? “Hey babe give me some money I’m wet and horny just for you. Let me show you in the DMs how Horny you make me bae.” Does that make me worth a little closer to $20? I know it’s much more complex than that but I’m tired and that’s what’s in my thoughts right now. Thanks for listening. I really do think of some of you as friends. My rant is over and I’m headed to bed. Hopefully a nights rest will get me back on track. 🙂