Guys, there are so many of you, and I’m just one person. I’m..
Added 2024-12-19 20:06:16 +0000 UTCGuys, there are so many of you, and I’m just one person. I’m not a bot; I reply to everyone myself. If I take a while to respond, it means I’m either caught up in other conversations or busy with my own stuff. Please be patient—or send tips so I notice you faster.
I’m lying in bed right now, watching shows about people living in filthy boxes while having 10 kids without pausing their drinking spree. Earlier today, in the group chat with my university friends, the girls were talking about the upcoming session and exams. And me? I was cleaning the pellet boiler. And it made me feel so miserable. The girls are so much younger than me, studying hard and overcoming one of the toughest courses. For them, it will all be over soon, but for me, it’s still ahead.
Lately, I’ve been haunted by thoughts about university again. I really, really don’t want to go back. I feel so comfortable at home, but inside, I’m tormented by this constant feeling that I’m worthless. Seeing everyone around me achieve things, and doing so without tearing themselves apart, without being the smartest or the most prepared, hurts. I don’t even feel envy anymore; it’s just like I have a kilo of salt inside my chest—sharp, heavy, and unbearable.
The years pass, and I feel like I’m only getting worse. Slower, more incapable of fitting into what society or the state expects from me. The smallest injustice, whether it’s towards me or others, completely destroys me, and I fixate on it instead of calmly adapting to circumstances. Every task I take on, I do so meticulously and thoroughly that it drains all my energy. I can’t stand pointless, boring work devoid of logic—it makes me physically ill.
The world is imperfect, and that’s normal. But every little imperfection in the context of unpleasant, artificially complicated tasks completely crushes me. My university is the pinnacle of these masterpieces of human incompetence and mediocrity. And I don’t want to go back.
I just hope that by the time September comes, I’ll finally have the strength to finish it all once and for all—and never wake up again.
