Fucking hell, guys, my morning started with finding two of m..

Fucking hell, guys, my morning started with finding two of my favorite milk drinks, expired a month ago, frozen to the back wall of the fridge. Imagine my surprise when I discovered they were spoiled! And I only figured this out after chugging half a bottle in one go. But whatever, that’s not the worst thing that’s happened. No, because yesterday, I nearly said goodbye to life itself.

You think it was a car accident? A heart attack? No, it was far worse. I fucking watched another episode of Hannibal.

Jesus fucking Christ, what a pile of shit. I can’t. I physically cannot listen to these pompous, pseudo-medical dialogues that sound like they were written by a nine years old with a crush on Mads Mikkelsen. I can’t stand his one-note fucking facial expression or these idiotic diagnoses delivered with the kind of gravitas that’s supposed to leave me convulsing from his supposed brilliance—except all I’m convulsing from is how stupid it is. And don’t even get me started on the “investigations,” which are solved by Will’s magical bullshit powers instead of actual detective work.

Who the fuck are the people giving this garbage such high ratings? Are they cavemen who just discovered moving pictures and lost their minds? Listen, never do what I’m doing right now—don’t insult people for their tastes. That’s for kids.

But now I’m speaking to real men here. I fucking believe that anyone who enjoys bodily fluids like Nosferatu 2024 or Hannibal should have their internet cut off, smash all their devices, and step outside for the first time in their miserable lives. Preferably, they should try to get an education—preferably in something technical (though I doubt they have the brain cells for it)—just to learn how basic laws of nature, logic, and human interaction work. Or at least finish the school they dropped out of to sit at home jerking off to their Evangelion figurines.

Fuck. What a disaster. On the bright side, people like that probably have healthier necks since their heads weigh 1.3 kg less.

And now… well, not about something great, but something acceptable. So, the show Outlander. My mom is a huge fan of the books and the series and has been begging me to watch it with her for ages. Honestly, I thought it would be, like… a historical drama or something. With that grim, oppressive gray atmosphere that Game of Thrones sometimes has. The result was… well, not disappointing, but completely different.

Picture a woman in her 40s, a fan of cheap fantasy novels about maidens, dark lords, and all that kind of crap, who hasn’t been in a normal relationship in ages—or maybe ever. Also, she’s obsessed with Scotland and men half of her age. Now imagine her, ahem, writing a fanfic… I haven’t read the books, I’m just describing the vibe the show gives off.

The plot is simple: a woman from the post-WWII era falls through some magic stones (like Stonehenge, but cheaper-looking) into old-timey Scotland—the time of the Jacobites and all that stuff I don’t really know much about. She ends up sympathizing with the Scottish side of things, and since she’s a nurse who served in the war, she has super badass skills. She gets to know the perfect guy—who also happens to be a virgin (seriously, he’s ideal in every way, inside and out)—and they get married for “rational reasons.” And let me tell you, most of the “rational reasons” in this series are like, “Oh no, they both showed up at the inn, but there was only one bed, so they had to share it.” If you’ve ever read mid-tier romantic novels or women’s fanfics, you know exactly what I mean.

Anyway, the main character hangs out with the Scots, gets captured by the English, escapes, and generally kicks ass. She’s strong, beautiful, smart, with perfect curls, flawless makeup, and gorgeous dresses. It’s immediately clear who the main character is (like in anime). Her virgin husband is also obviously not a background character—his body is gym-sculpted perfection, he has a model’s face, and his hair is perfectly styled. All of this looks absolutely hilarious against the backdrop of the other characters, whose actors were clearly cast for historical authenticity—they’re sturdy but not overbuilt, not super clean, not very attractive, often scruffy or overweight. Basically, they look normal. But don’t forget, this is a fanfic.

The series is just dripping with sex—both positive and, well, not so positive. Sex, sex, sex—everywhere. Last night there was literally an entire episode of the main characters having sex and reminiscing about their wedding. I almost died of secondhand embarrassment, but honestly, it was hilarious.

I’d actually recommend this show if you’re watching it with a best friend—you’ll die laughing because there’s cringe on every corner. But at the same time, the plot is engaging, and the actors are super charming.

Oh, also, I saved a spider from my bathtub, but I do that every day anyway. And I’ve started reading A Terrible Vengeance by Gogol—it’s really interesting, and I’ll tell you all about it later.