***CAMGIRL MEMOIR 06 - MR. BULLY*** **Some time in 2011** A..

***CAMGIRL MEMOIR 06 - MR. BULLY*** **Some time in 2011** As I have mentioned a few times before, camming hasn't always been a successful path for me. I can firmly say it took small steps towards the top throughout the years. And in my case specifically I'm sure the slow climb was connected to not only inexperience but also a high dose of self doubt as I entered the field already hurt. One of the first things you learn to grow in this kind of work is **thick skin**, and you quickly realize that the only way skin thickens is through trauma and roughness. Gym goers, construction workers and even guitar players can testify to this :p A very remarkable experience happened on a Saturday afternoon. Back when I still struggled to keep more than very few people in chatroom and was still unsure of how to make it work for me. I'd be lying if I said my insecurities weren't always on the surface of my thoughts. From my failed marriage to a porn addict I heard laughter and a commentary of dismissal and cynicism: "I doubt you can make much money doing this like the other girls". It was now a matter of honor to make it work. After coming home from a long shift at the sports store I worked at, I decided to log on a little earlier. I knew the few friends would probably not be there as they were MFC night owls, but I figured it would be nice to expand and maybe me.et new people. I got ready, set up my new lighting kit and pointed the camera to the bed. The camscore ghost constantly surrounding me and reminding me that time without tips = lower score. And I was already lost on the 3rd page of the website with a 600 camscore (the initial being 1000 and that would set you on the bottom of the 1st page). I made sure to sit on what I believed was my best side and waited... About 8 viewers were there but what bothered me the most was the silence and lack of feedback. So I did what ALL new camgirls do: Pretend to be talking to someone in Private Chat. A few minutes go by and a song I really liked started to play, so I thought.. Dancing might bring the mood up. Not a great dancer but I enjoyed moving to music and it was nice to have some fun. It worked. And now my chat had around 15 lurkers. Midway my "performance" I notice someone typed a big comment in chat: ***Mr Bully: "WTF. THIS SITE REALLY IS GOING DOWNHILL. YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT! YOUR HAIR SUCKS, YOUR TEETH ARE FUCKED UP*** (yeah I was mid braces treatment at the time and it was kinda bad)***, YOUR LEGS ARE SKINNY, YOUR TITS SUCK, YOUR NIPPLES ARE HUGE, YOU JUST HAVE AN UGLY MUG AND YOU ARE LUCKY TO HAVE AN OK ASS BUT TOO BAD THATS ALL YOU GOT. NO WONDER YOUR CHAT IS EMPTY. FUCK THESE UNWORTHY UGLY WHORES"*** The shock. I never expected to be considered a super gorgeous girl nor anything like that, and I don't even believe it's possible to please everyone or even most people. I was highly aware of my shortcomings and also knew my positives. To be honest the part that I liked the most about the job was talking to people and bringing someone a smile after a tough day or bad relationship. I was aware of the "sexual healing" part of the job but I knew it wasn't yet my strongest suit. So I worked with what I had. What I wasn't used to was people simply being complete assholes for no reason. Duh! Welcome to the internet! In my innocence I figured if people didn't like you they could just move on. And they should. Nonetheless that one comment got me by surprise, it destroyed me that day. Specially after my ex husband's comment, a long day with lame customers at work, the stress of a very low camscore and a chat that remained silent for nearly 40 minutes despite all my attempts to engage. I remember freezing up for a moment and trying very hard to hide the pain and embarrassment in my voice: *"Oh wow.. What's wrong with you? Are you just trying to make people feel bad?"* and banned him. Then I sat down doing my best to look "sexy" and strategically moved the camera off my face. The tears filling up my eyes. About to log off and go cry in the shower. When the MFC bells went off it almost startled me. It was one of my friends, STTexan (hello! hah he probably isn't on my onlyfans.. anyways..). He sent a very darling greeting and requested a dance. He was happy to see me live at earlier times. I apologized and told him I was unable to dance at the moment because I really had to go, but that I would dance for him when I came back on again. I logged off. That day I went to bed crying, and I did not log back on for a couple of days. But when I finally did I made sure to go live during my usual late hours (Pacific time) and me.et with my small group of sweet supporters. The night was going slow but I felt comfortable. I even had a new tipper come in and chat a bit. After a couple of hours I decided it was time to leave as to not hurt my camscore further. And to my surprise the MFC bells rang loudly: ***Mr Bully wants to start a private chat with you. Accept | Decline*** DENIED.. Why does MFC even allow banned members to send Private requests? yikes It rang again: ***Mr Bully wants to start a True Private session with you. Accept | Decline*** (*True privates automatically discounted 80tokens or $8 dolars a minute from the viewer so only him could watch you*) Hm.. what's his problem? Is he a sadist? Denied again. And the bells go: ***Mr. Bully wants to start a True Private chat with you. Accept | Decline*** You know what.. I will accept it and do nothing.. I put a long shirt on and accepted it. **True Private session has started with Mr. Bully** And there I sat. No cleavage, not showing a bit of my body.. just silence. He also didn't say a word. Tik Tok... The minutes went by and I started to watch the token count grow. It had already passed the early 3 digits ***Hey*** I ignored. A feeling of sweet vengeance in my heart. The token count growing. ***Hello?*** Ignored. My mind thinking of my camscore raising and bringing me to at least up to 4 numbers. ***My camera is on do you want to see me?*** I pretend to be reading something else to drag the time even more and then reply: *BellaBrookz: No thanks.* First he cusses me off then now he wants to show me his dick? Hm no. ***I want to apologize for everthing I said the other day. I should never had said those things. It wasn't fair and I regret it.*** It's so hard for me to not accept an honest request of forgiveness. Silly soft heart. Sure, I do see it as a positive trait to have, but I'm aware wolves can use it to take advantage of you. You have got to learn to set boundaries regardless. I turn his camera on. Mr Bully lived in what looked like a very simple and poor house. He wasn't any "Chad" himself. He looked about my age and very frail, used a cap to which he removed revealing crazy rough hair and a deep receding hair line. He waved and smiled at me with not exactly straight pearly whites. My heart melted with understanding and a deeper feeling of forgiveness. BellaBrookz: *I guess you were having a bad day?* ***Yes I was, and I am very sorry. I could tell I hurt you and I think I just wanted to say hurtful things. I kept thinking about what you said afterwards. And that's why I decided to take you private to apologize and give you some tokens. Do you forgive me?*** BellaBrookz: Yes I forgive you.. Thank you for this. It's true. You really hurt me. But I understood some people just like to do these things. ***Mr. Bully: Well I don't want to be that kind of person*** We chatted a bit more, I don't remember very well. Mr Bully tipped me the rest of his tokens, which helped my camscore move up to the 700's that night. I did see him live other times but never saw him again in my chatroom nor did we talk again (to my knowledge) but I also never forgot him and his honorable apology. I still remember him fondly. Except for Dark tetrad's members (Machiavelli, narcissists, psychopaths and sadists.) bullies' are always projecting their own pain. It's funny how, before we get to know ourselves and become comfortable in our own skin, the bad comments get to us so much heavier than the good ones. I believe most of us struggle with this issue. I've even read about a Harvard study that claims it takes about 5 positive comments to overcome the damage of a bad one. Google it, it's there somewhere. But I guess what I'm trying to point out is how much worse it is when we are suffering from low self esteem. It's because we are also bullying ourselves (consciously or not). So, basically he vocalized things that I was already telling myself internally at the time and this is why it hurt so much. I believed it and put my value in it. And this is why bullies know how to pick the kids with low self esteem. They can sniff their body language like lions can perceive the fragile preys in the group. They instinctively know it will work because they know these people will believe whatever painful thing they say. (again, consciously or not) In the end it doesn't even matter if the comments are true (needed braces so what? meh boobies? Got them done - yes for myself because **I like** the looks of it - rough hair? so what lol I learned to rock it natural every now and then and even laugh at it, skinny? Work out bb!! There are worse problems in life). Whatever. The only way to blind yourself from these type of attacks is to set where your real value is. Knowing what you do have to offer, knowing who you are, where you want to go and work on what you are able to improve FOR YOURSELF while conscious that every single one of us is a work in progress. That's the powerful confidence everyone needs. ❤️