***CAMGIRL MEMOIR 12 - UNDERCOVER*** **2011** From the da..

***CAMGIRL MEMOIR 12 - UNDERCOVER*** **2011** From the day we are born we receive an identifier; our very basis of self-conception. The first descriptor about us when introducing ourselves to the world around, and something that remains even after we are no longer. A name. Your name and how you feel about it has an undeniable impact on your identity which is how you perceive yourself and how you want to be perceived. As Gordon Allport, one of the founders of personality psychology put it in 1961, "the most important anchorage to our self-identity throughout life remains our own name". It's important to note that even though a label can be given to us by others, identity is self-chosen and can only come from oneself. It's fluid and changes as your likes, dislikes, experiences and circumstances also change. Your name though, remains your first identifier. I've always had a good relationship with my birth name. As a girl I grew up used to seeing my initials on things in pink color with butterfly themed B's and adorable towels and blankets with my name embroidered on them. My family and friends always played around with the letters to make an unique cute nickname up. And although in the US my name is considered uncommon. It's comfortable and familiar in my country of birth. It had been like this for about 20 years of my life. **"The B has to stay."** - I thought to myself as I chose my new camgirl name. **"B.. Barbie. Nah, not blonde enough for this. Be..rnadete? Bertha? Ugh... Bi..ngo? Bongos? Bu?... Brianna!** - The little girl I babysat popped in my mind smiling innocently - **Nah. Brenda? My friend would kill me if she ever found out..."** - This was harder than I thought. I flipped through random images in the magazines laying around and a picture stood out. It was an image of "Beauty and the Beast". Belle wearing her beautiful yellow dress reminded me again of my younger self. When Disney came up with the movie she instantly became my favorite princess (sorry Ariel) and my mother was quick to point out how we shared the same interests in books. I was sold. **"Bella!"**, as we call her in portuguese. And the last name rolled out naturally - **"Brooks.. Bella Brookz"** - I laughed out loud by myself. It was catchy I guess... I was tired and wanted to finish the form. So I sent it like this. I could change it later if I ever wanted to. There was a very clear separation in my mind as "her/me" that made it so much easier to disconnect from real life every time I had to go live and entertain. This separation seeped through often every time someone asked my name or e-mail: ***guest0439723: Hi gorgeous what's ur name?*** - Most guys didn't read the camgirl's name before entering a chatroom. *"Hey nice to me.et you! My name is Bbbb....ella!.. heh"* ***** It was very fun to have this second identity nonetheless. In a way I felt like Bella was my alter ego, my fearless hero. As time passed and I became more comfortable, Bella taught me how to express myself freely and, as paradoxical as it can sound to the most conservative, she taught me a lot about self respect. Well, of course "self respect" can be a broad theme, but specially when it came to learning how to set boundaries effectively and how to dodge manipulation she was The Teacher over the years. ***** **Year 2019** At this point, 8 years down the road, I'd get at least 1000 viewers minutes upon turning my camera on. The more popular I got the more rarely I did Private or Skype shows as my preference had always been dealing with Public and Group chat. It was much easier to keep a party-like vibe and keep my comfort levels in check. Which means that to take me Private/Skype not only the price tag was among the highest in the industry, I also had to feel comfortable and enjoy the guy's personality. You couldn't take me Private simply because you had the money. Such personal rules were set for very good reasons learned throughout the years. For 80% of the time I only accepted requests for fantasies that involved roleplays and/or some sort of fetish such as balloon popping, feet, giantess, financial domination (which can get way more creative than one can imagine) and others, 19% was the vanilla that always brought its own flavor to the table, and that 1% surpassed unimaginable layers of wtf and deserve their own percentage representation. Among the select group I went Private with, there was Mr. Boyfriend. Mr Boyfriend was vanilla and liked to talk as if we were in a relationship. The expectations were set clearly as we chatted about it previously. What he thought was hot was the way things were said. Demonstrations of affection turned him on even if it didn't mean anything deeper than that, so "I miss you so much baby" and "I would kiss you anywhere you want me to" in cutesy voice would get him much more excited than a raspy "I feel so F horny today". He didn't even need me to masturbate if I didn't want to. Simply talking and describing sexy things like a loving cute girlfriend was what made it for him. I guess we could define his style as romantic dirty talk. Our arrangement worked out for awhile. He would show up a couple of times a week and we would have our Skype in the afternoons. Mr. Boyfriend was very generous and never talked much more than necessary outside of the private sessions. Around the same time I met Boyfriend, I also had regular Skypes with Mr Cuck. Mr Cuck couldn't be considered vanilla as he wanted me to talk about stories of me having sex with other men. He didn't care if the stories were made up as long as they were told in a convincing way. Like the other guy, story telling was all that he needed from me. So I got creative. Mr Cuck always wanted me to describe "in detail" what happened in my Group Shows or Private Sessions, if any had happened that day. Of course they were "in detail" as my stories were always made up to something much more sexual than reality. All to keep the fantasy alive, right?! He had always liked this.. Until this one day. This day it was different. For the first time, many weeks since our first Skype, Mr Cuck wanted to be the protagonist of my story for once. He requested the story to be in a party/club setting. Wish granted. I came up with the best sexy story I could. The night went on successfully. **** On the next day, I had Skype time scheduled with Mr. Boyfriend in the afternoon. He took 30 min. to show up which was unusual and clicked on the button to start the video call before even saying hello. I answered. **"Hi baby... I was waiting for you why did you take so long?"** He never talked or opened his webcam, so he typed: ***"I'm fucking furious."*** I kind of sat there and asked: **Why?What happened?** And to my shock his webcam turned on. Only his torso was appearing and part of his lower face was showing. He appeared to be in his 30's and curly blond hair appeared on the sides of his shoulders. He replied: ***I know what you did yesterday. You fucked a dude!*** The wave of confusion almost made me lose my pose. But I remained strong: **"Hum. What do you mean?"** ***Mr Boyfriend: YOU WENT TO A PARTY AND FUCKED A GUY*** ***Mr Boyfriend: YOU TWO SAT IN THE BAR AT FIRST...*** - and from there he went on furiously typing the entire story I told Mr Cuck the previous day. In detail. Not only that. He also throwed on my face about the innumerous other times that I cheated on him. And mentioned a few other stories I had told Mr Cuck before. I can't describe what my face looked like as I watched him type with small breaks in between each caps locked phrase. A mix of shock, disbelief, disgust, curiosity and amusement as I realized Mr Cuck and Mr Boyfriend were the same guy. I had to make a quick decision: Play along or shut down the videocall. He could be roleplaying, He could be batshit insane. I chose the former as he obviously had not "just found out" about Mr Cuck, he also hadn't called me any names nor given any signs of direct aggression. I insisted I didn't know what he was talking about and he said he saw with his own eyes as he entered the bar. We "argued" for awhile as he described in impressive detail even more explicit erotic stories I had told him before... I noticed he was typing one handed more often than not so I finally decided to "admit to everything that happened" and added a few details myself in the stories. ***Mr Boyfriend: I can't believe this.. So you admit you fucked them like this...*** ***Mr Boyfriend: How was it?*** For all I knew he was now Mr. Cuck Boyfriend. I rolled my eyes, smiled and finished: **"...they Fd way better than you."** and that was a wrap. Mr. Boyfriend liked it so much he sent me an extra tip that day. I guess he wasn't that Vanilla after all. **** My friend Nathi was waiting for me at the gym so I ran out of the door right after the Skype Session. We had agreed to workout together and then eat something later. After training we stopped at this smoothie place to chat. The place was packed but we endured the line. Many people from the gym were there. And when it was almost my turn the group of guys started talking to us because they heard us speaking in another language. ***"Falo um pouco portugues! Where are you guys from in Brazil? Oh cool, my name is "Name"..what are your names? *"I'm Nathi"* ***that's a pretty name, and you?"*** **"I'm Bella."** ***"Bella?"*** **"Yes"** ***"Oh that's a pretty name too"*** Of course my friend knew my real name but she was used to seeing me say my name was Bella to strangers. It felt safer in a way. Like protecting my real identity. Finally our turn to order a smoothie cut the small talk with the guys behind us. ***"What flavor do you want for whey protein? Chocolate is over but we have Strawberry and Vanilla"*** I think for a moment. **"Strawberry, please"** ***** Gif illustrating a cute girlfriend without food straight from 2019