Back when i thought this was juggling... Somewhere between ..

Back when i thought this was juggling...

Somewhere between the nipple change dialogue and listening to the Olivia Rodrigo album on repeat I’ve been transported to pre-bb me. Do I miss her? Am i still her? (only now with a different nipple shade?)

Her track jealousy slapsss. “Comparison is killin' me slowly. I think, I think too much about the kids who don't know me. And I'm so sick of myself. I'd rather be anyone else.”

So good! So angst!

But as you get older it’s not necessarily other people you’re jealous of. Now you also get to throw previous versions of yourself in the mix. Thank god you (hopefully) learn how to tell yourself to shut the fuck up.

Sure, I miss having time to lie on dirty kitchen floors posing for my boyfriend so he can make his John Baldessari “inspired” erotic knock- off. BUT, ya know, do i?

Free time to fake juggle is great, but have you ever tried the real thing? Getting pounced on early morning (and not necessarily the kind you hoped for...), lunch packing, throwing socks, bags, shoes and kids out a door (we’re laaaaate!), pretending to be a regular person 8-3 anddd....pick ups, play dates with total strangers (in their own version of this same hurricane) skinned knees, sibling fights, near-death experiences (STOP AT THE LIIIIGHT!!) and snacks on snacks on snacks. Then BB BEDTIME. Then, fun time, sexy time, exhausted time. It’s messy, milky, bloody, oozy and tear-stained. It’s not posed. Ever. And if it is, everyone looks depressed bc why stand still when there is SO MUCH CHAOS TO ENJOY.

To me, the new juggle is more tied to the universe. Deeper, richer and ultimately hotter.

The sentiment in this photo to me is one of carefree living. Toss up the balls, who cares. Look how effortless they are just floating in space.

But the balls will drop. We took this photo 1000 times to get the right one. Defying gravity and successfully avoiding change is for photos and fairytales. The lie is in the picture, in the mirror or whatever stories we tell ourselves as way to go back. We can’t! I mean, some people try but they usually end up looking a bit clownish w all that face filler...BUT THATS ALSO A PHASE FOR THEM! An evolution. Everyone has to accept change one way or another, even if it means a new plastic surgeon cuz their last one was sued for malpractice.

But there is truth in the sentiment. Letting life do its thing. Putting those balls in the air as much as you can cuz life is short and eventually the last ball will drop. Sometimes it’s beautiful, sometimes it’s a total disaster, but it’s never exactly the same twice. Hopefully we don’t dwell too much on one moment or nipple shade, it prevents us from tossing balls! Take a pic if you can, evolution is fun to watch. But don’t try to go back. It’s boring at best. The old nipples had their fun. The new ones are still having it.

Sending out all the good in the moment vibes today. You’re perfect. ❤️❤️❤️