A writing that I posted today on Fetlife that I thought was ..

A writing that I posted today on Fetlife that I thought was relevant to post here: Service Oriented Submission in a Femdom Relationship Preface: I'm using gendered terms to describe my experience specifically with cis male submissives, my opinions on everyone else would require another essay that I don't feel needs to be written. I often find myself mentioning that Femdom in it's purest form is about living in service to a dominant female, the focus being on her wants, needs, and desires. It is not about the male submissive. It is not about what she can do for him, or his dick, or his feelings. Not to say that there isn't an exchange where both parties feel satisfied, because part of keeping a happy submissive is just that. I simply mean that at the end of the day, the focus is on her. A long term personal Femdom relationship is about lifting her up, ensuring that she is taken care of completely and in many ways is a reverse reflection of hetero relationships of our parent's generation. It's unsurprising to me that men balk at the idea of fully living their life in service to a woman. Most are immature, emotionally stunted horny little boys, looking for a place to shoot their load. Some are better, although they still have an improper mindset in the sense that they are focused on themselves only. I can't tell you how many messages I get from people who want to be my personal sub, and the entire thing reads like this: "23 fit attractive male, looking for a Mistress who will peg me and make me her bitch. I'm totally inexperienced so you can mold me however u want. I can clean for u and drive u places. I dont do tributes though Im looking for something real" Sometimes though, a submissive comes along who might be emotionally mature in their personal life, service oriented, humble, and ready to submit. But, even if they believe that they are ready for the level of commitment that an FLR, or female led relationship, requires, their socialization and upbringing largely handicaps them from the beginning. In our society, women are still expected in many ways to be demure, unchallenging, feminine, and available to cater to the emotional needs of men. Jess Zimmerman says it best in her book, "Women and Other Monsters:" "The foundation and fertilizer of unequal emotional labor is "the expectation that women will be naturally, effortlessly skilled at 1) keeping track of what's important to family members, friends of the family, work colleagues; 2) having antennae out for others' invisible and subtle expectations/missives/tone/frequency of contact/mood/needs; 3) noticing entropy and taking note of potential problems; 4) acting as a fixer-facilitator-logistics coordinator; 5) making things comfortable/easy/ nonthreatening for others; while 6) doing this on an unpaid basis; 7) doing this on an unnoticed basis; 8) being mocked and/or gaslighted for men- tioning the existence of all of this as work, and as exhausting; 9) being called nags and told to lower our standards, because we notice so much; and 10) feeling like we are failing at 'being in charge of everyone's happiness.' If that was tiring to read, consider how exhausting it is to live." Basically, women are expected to always be anticipating the needs of others, and are expected to provide that labor constantly in an unequal way, and if they don't, they receive backlash from entitled others who are used to this system and societal expectation. Being a good service oriented submissive requires men relieving women of this. Being the BEST sub is not only about hearing commands and obeying them. It is about learning your domme's desires, expectations, likes, and dislikes and providing exceptional anticipatory service to the best of your ability. When you always rely on your domme to give orders, you are giving her a burden of emotional labor when you could be going out of your way to make her happy. If you're at her house and she's busy, clean things for her. Do her laundry. Sweep the floor. See what needs to be done and do it, and if you aren't sure then ask her if she wants those things done. Make and keep a list of what she likes and expects so you don't forget. You are there to provide value for her. Generally the happier she is the more she will want to play with you, spend time with you, and generally have a good attitude towards you. This goes for most relationships, Femdom or not. Not all subs are interested in, equipped for, or capable of the level of focus and intention that comes with developing a deeply connected service relationship. Understandably so, since most are blind to the imbalance of this labor that we live with every day. But if you choose to give yourself fully to a Mistress in the way that she deserves, with some training and guidance and hiccups along the way you may find yourself rewarded in the ways that you've dreamed of. Giving is the greatest gift you can give yourself, and nothing can ever compare to the feeling of satisfaction you receive when your Domme is proud of you and grateful for you. It feels so good to serve, doesn't it?