BIG NOT SEXY WALL OF TEXT What do you do when you have an O..

BIG NOT SEXY WALL OF TEXT What do you do when you have an OnlyFans and have been a sex worker on and off for almost a decade but have spent the last 6 months struggling with your identity? Sorry this ain't a sexy post, but I don't know where else to get my thoughts out. Sometime over the course of the past year I started struggling more than usual with my looks. This wasn't garden variety insecurity, but a deep-seated feeling of ugliness and constant Imposter Syndrome every time I made content. It got to the point where I was beginning to question my gender identity, which is when I had a realization that I can't believe I didn't see sooner. My entire life, I have been treated as a Not Quite Female. Right after my mom was hospitalized for schizophrenia and I moved in with my grandparents at age 8, they cut my long hair into a terrible short boy cut. Not a cute or feminine pixie but an awful boxy chop with a part down the middle that was ridiculously poufy because my hair was thick. I was already "one of the guys," the only tomboy in my group of neighborhood friends. They frequently called me "It" and told me it was because I "wasn't really a girl or a boy." As I got older, I tried to fit into the mold of what a girl was supposed to be, but I always felt like a pig in lipstick. Once I left Catholicism at 19 and started fucking people just because I could, my style started gravitating more and more toward the edgy and provocative- short skirts, clubwear, lots of skin, sparkles- anything that would draw attention. I avoided traditionally "feminine" things, like floral prints and flowy dresses, but was drawn to anything ostentatious and hypersexual. I think I subconsciously felt like if a man wanted me sexually, then that meant I was recognized as a woman, was validated as a legitimate female and not some wannabe. The other thing that has been consistent throughout my life has been cruelty toward my looks- specifically my face. The neighborhood boys called me a "Bag Girl"- the kind of girl you'd only fuck with a paper bag over her head. In high school it was "butterface" and "frump girl." And I get it- I'm not blind. I have a huge nose, thin lips, I was the victim of terrible cystic acne growing up that would leave scabs and scars, and a year of nonstop crying and PTSD has left me without eyelashes (no, seriously). I'm one of those women who can look okay in the right light, from the right angle, with the right filters. But the only insult I ever get on stream- like literally I cannot think of a single troll who has insulted me with something other than this- is "are you a man?" "are you trans?" Not slutshaming like most other women on Twitch get. No, the easiest thing they all find to make fun of is that I don't look like a woman. Also unlike most women, I have always been pursued or lauded for my intangible qualities- my intellect, my personality. With the slutty style, I drew attention to my body. It feels like I'm always "making up for" my face. All of these factors led to me sitting in bed crying wondering if I am actually nonbinary or genderqueer, if that's why I've felt like an imposter every time I put on a long dress or, lately, whenever I put on makeup. I sobbed trying to figure out if it was better to fail at being a woman or be decent at being not-quite-a-woman, whatever that meant. And that's when I realized that it's not that I wasn't a woman, I just wasn't the kind of woman I wanted to be. I WANT to be feminine. If it were up to me, I'd have long hair, full lips, thick eyelashes, and I'd wear dresses that aren't skin tight or see through. I'd be able to open my camera or look in the mirror bare-faced without disgust. I'd be Angelina Jolie, Julia Roberts, Gal Godot. People would look at me and sometimes use words like "pretty" and "beautiful" instead of "headstrong" and "unique." Even in my own life, my partner's ratio of comments on other women's appearances to comments on mine is probably 20:1, and I can't help but internalize all of the ways that I'll never be the hot girl on instagram or the Geek & Sundry girl that he gushes over. I know this is SUCH first world problem, especially because I am privileged to be white, thin, educated, and not visibly disabled. But it eats away at me nonetheless. So how do I make sexual content when I don't feel like a sexually desirable being, when I don't even feel like a "real woman" most days? This is not a rhetorical question. If you've read this far and you have ideas other than "just suck it up," let me know. I've contemplated eyelash extensions- you have NO idea how significantly losing my eyelashes has affected my confidence and self image- but they are super expensive. I've tried keeping my face out of the frame lately, but it doesn't help. I've talked about it in therapy and it seems to be tied back to first losing my mother, since she was the only feminine figure in my life, and her hospitalization and the Big Chop happened simultaneously. But until I unpack that whole circus, I've gotta figure out what to do about OF in the meantime. Sorry this is just a wall of text. Lemme find some (faceless) titties to attach.